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Fear the thing that knocks in the night: “The Babadook”

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Children’s books are terrifying, aren’t they? I don’t know about the ones they write today, but the ones I had to read a kid seemed designed solely to impress upon children that the Universe is a cold, merciless place, and that there’s just as deep and black of a void inside all our hearts. I mean, we had the Shel Silverstein books which were a wonderful way to introduce kids to the concept of LSD (here are some insipid rhymes, stark drawings, and a backflap photo of the author who looks like he should be roaming the desert in his VW van in search of “fresh offerings”). Or, when I was a bit younger, my parents bought me a Dr. Seuss book called Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are, in which the doc seems to be trying to assuage his white guilt (and possibly the guilt over all those racist Japanese propaganda tracts he drew in World War 2) by inventing whimsical horrific circumstances you should be glad you don’t have to deal with. Because children are never too young to learn about existential terror. But the titular book in the tremendously satisfying Australian horror film, The Babadook, is terrifying in a more direct way: it forecasts your despoilment and tragic death.

The Babadook drops into the gloomy world of struggling single-mother Amelia (Essie Davis), a caregiver at a retirement home, who is living just a bit beyond hand-to-mouth while trying to raise her six year-old son Samuel (Noah Wiseman). Samuel is going through what one review referred to as his “shrill phase,” but in my humble (non-child-afflicted) opinion would be better described as his “Officer, I just can’t understand how he squeezed through the bars of that lion cage…oh, if only it hadn’t been feeding time…wow, you have nice muscles,” phase.

Samuel is borderline sociopathic. He builds weapons—including a backpack catapult—which he brings to school and uses against the other students. He inadvertently pushes his cousin out of a treehouse, sending her plummeting a good fifteen feet to the ground. He even has spells in which he just screams and kicks the back of his mom’s car seat long past when my dad would have made good on his oft-issued threat to “pull this car over and really give you something to cry about.”

Is it legal to tase your kids? It's gotta be, right?

Is it legal to tase your kids? It’s gotta be, right?

Poor Amelia must deal with this hellion alone, as her husband died rushing to the hospital when she went into labor. His death weighs heavily upon them both, with Amelia scrabbling to get by (while her wealthier, non-widowed sister regards her with barely-concealed pity), and Sammy builds shrines to his deceased father. Because the kid is the spawn of Satan.

To her credit, writer/director Jennifer Kent doesn’t make Amelia an endlessly-doting helicopter parent. Instead, she’s stressed and sleepless, and at the end of her rope, at one point screaming at Samuel “Why can’t you just be normal?”  One sympathizes.

This is a child crying out for Ritalin.

This is a child crying out for Ritalin.

One night, while searching a book to read as a bedtime story, Samuel chooses s strange book from his shelf neither of them have seen before. It’s a too-large, black-bound pop-up book called Mister Babadook, which tells the story of a horrible monster called the Babadook, who announces its presence before infecting the soul of unwary parents. And then the horror begins. All of this is rendered in terrifying illustrations (created for the film by Alex Juhusz).

Still less scary than the illustrations in 'Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.'"

Still less scary than the illustrations in ‘Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.'”

Well, this freaks both of them out, so Amelia gets rid of the book—going so far as to burn it—but the book doesn’t stay dead. Soon enough it’s back on her doorstep. And then, at night, a voice growls “Baaabaaadook…”

I won’t say anymore, because you really should check out this movie, because it’s a winner. On a purely literal level, The Babadook is a great horror film, with a glum, creepy setting in Amelia’s run down farm house, deep, inky-black shadows, and long, excruciating scenes that slide up the scale from suspenseful to downright terrifying.

This is not going to end well.

This is not going to end well.

But beyond that, Jennifer Kent keeps the film suffused with an unsettling sense of a world askew. Is Samuel just acting out, or is there something worse going on in that tow-headed little noggin of his? Is Amelia really bedeviled by the supernatural or is she succumbing to the pressure of underemployment and trying to raise a child that he has simply lost the ability to understand and control?

Likewise, Kent—adapting her short film Monster—has a knowing sensibility about her main character. Amelia’s travails are so effective, because she is so well-realized. Much of this is due to Essie Davis’s superb performance. But Kent also brings a great deal of insight about the thorny, imperfect, and flawed ways of parental love, and the non-supernatural horror at realizing that sometimes you do not love your kid (especially this little terrorist).

The Babadook finally brings us a fully-formed horror film. It’s not just a premise played out with some decent special effects. It’s not even a scary story that keeps you at the edge f your seat. It’s those things built off of a foundation of the everyday terrors that inhabit the human heart.

Here’s hoping gets a decent theatrical or VOD release soon.



Mirror, mirror on the wall…why are you trying to kill my family? “Oculus”

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Mirrors are horrifying, right? Well, no. No, they’re really not. They’re just sort of there. They reflect us in all our imperfections, and…uh…aw screw it. They’re just mirrors. Making a mirror terrifying is a pretty tough row to hoe—making any inanimate object terrifying is tough; t’s why there are more movies about zombies than, say, haunted power-drills—and yet Oculus probably comes as close as you can get. It’s not enough, but, hey they get an A for effort.

So, yeah, Oculus is about a haunted mirror. But this mirror doesn’t, say, run around chasing people or something like that (which is a movie I’d kind of like to see, though I’d never suggest anyone make it). No, this mirror just sits around being sort of passively evil, while humans go batshit crazy around it. As premises go, it’s not a bad one, and what makes Oculus so frustrating is how close it comes to being a good movie. Like, you can almost see a good movie from this one.

Oculus begins with a psychologically-damaged young man named Tim Russell (Brenton Thwaites) is released from the psychiatric facility where he has been treated for the past 11 years after he killed his parents.  For the duration of his stay, Tim has been insisting that something supernatural—something evil—caused the killings, but now Tim is finally able to take responsibility for his actions. And after confessing to a double-homicide, Tim is released to freedom. Um..yay?

So, you gave the mental patient a gun? Yeah, nothing can go wrong with that plan.

So, you gave the mental patient a gun? Yeah, nothing can go wrong with that plan.

Tim moves in with his sister Kaylie (Karen Gillan, heavenly), who has grown up to be a beautiful, well-put together young woman who works at an auction house. Things should be okay for Tim—I mean aside from the inevitable sexual confusion caused by having Karen Gillan for a sister—except no, Kaylie’s actually more obsessed than he is.

She insists that he was right all along about what happened the night their parents died. That there was something evil in the house, and that evil was a big, Victorian mirror. Kaylie has researched the pedigree of the mirror, and it has a long and terrifying history. Seems anyone owning the mirror comes to an ugly end. There are accidents, suicides, even deaths of starvation and dehydration as if the owners just forgot to eat and drink. And now Kaylie has it. Ruh-roh!

"Fine Victorian mirror...comes with the souls of the damned...let's start the bidding."

“Fine Victorian mirror…comes with the souls of the damned…let’s start the bidding.”

Kaylie managed to procure the mirror for her auction house and has taken it to their old house—now between owners—and set up an elaborate series of cameras to record what it does in their presence, as well timers to remind them to eat. As a coup de grace, she has also rigged a boat-anchor on a timer to shatter the mirror, just in case she and Tim both end up like mom and dad.

Well, naturally, Tim thinks she’s nuts—and he should know from crazy given where he’s been living for the past decade plus. But Kaylie can’t be convinced otherwise, and as the two spar over what they remember we see that traumatic event play out.

I think dad needs some alone time.

I think dad needs some alone time.

We watch as young Kaylie and Tim are moved into this house by their parents (Rory Cochrane and Katee Sackhoff—and when, precisely, did Katee Sackoff become mom material?). The movie cross-cuts between the increasingly malevolent goings-on in the present-day house, and the domestic nightmare their family sank into all those years ago.

Dad did the made the supremely-unwise decision to keep the mirror in his office, and under its sway he basically Jack Torrences out, while mom grows more and more delusional. Pretty soon, the house no longer has electricity, dad spends all day staring into the mirror and ripping out his fingernails, while mom is chained to a radiator in the bedroom in a borderline-feral state.

Over the long night, it becomes increasingly clear that the mirror is not going to sit still while Tim and Kaylie try and kill it (well, it will, but figuratively speaking it’s not going to). And the night becomes an increasingly-terrifying series of psychological attacks against Kaylie and Tim, whose defenses grow less and less solid with each successive assault.

"Calm down. I've faced down Daleks and Weeping Angels."

“Calm down. I’ve faced down Daleks and Weeping Angels.”

Oculus is disappointing because it does a lot right. Tim and Kaylie’s family implosion is genuinely unsettling and turns horrifying, Likewise, director Mike Flanagan—expanding his short Oculus Chapter 3-The Man with the Plan—creates a palpable sense of suspense and dread as the story goes on. And he even manages to imbue the mirror with something like a personality, a genuine air of menace and malevolence. He manages to make it as much a monster as any axe-wielding psycho.

The cast is all quite good, but there are some critical missteps in the casting and direction. Katee Sackhoff radiates radiates wild abandon–no matter how many mom-sweaters you put her in, her smile always looks like the last thing you’ll remember before you wake up handcuffed to a bed in a Tiajuana flea-pit hotel with a warrant for your arrest. And Karen Gillan…(sigh)

"Aw c'mon...have another tequila shot..."

“Aw c’mon…have another tequila shot…”

Karen Gillan’s great, isn’t she? She’s just awesome. Even when she’s a bald, blue cyborg, she’s eminently desirable. And while she makes Kaylie credibly obsessed and possibly unhinged, she never quite takes off. I blame the struggle to maintain her bland, American accent and tamping down her Scottish burr. It’s impossible to watch her and not wish she’d just go full Amy Pond and shout, “Oi, mirror-thing! Come and see what I got for ye!”

Ultimately, Oculus is just too padded to completely land its punches. It’s got some scares, a pervading sense of doom, and an uncompromising story, and yet it just never quite closes the deal. The movie never pops the clutch and goes in full-scale horror. The psychological terror never quite metastasizes into overt horror.

Anyway, Oculus is still pretty creepy. And, hey, you get to watch Karen Gillan for 90 minutes.


Harry Potter becomes a goat (sort of…not really) “Horns”

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Alexandre Aja’s adaptation of Joe Hill’s novel Horns isn’t exactly a horror movie. Instead, it’s more of a supernatural mystery, or perhaps an enquiry into gossamer-thin ties that bind us into a community, and the secrets we kept hidden to keep that community intact. Whatever it is, it was made by a horror director, and based on a book by Stephen King’s son, and I spent two hours watching it, so what the hell, it’s getting reviewed.

Horns follows down-and-out protagonist Ignatius “Ig” Perrish (Harry Potter himself, Daniel Radcliffe)—a former small town DJ who lives somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, whose girlfriend, Merrin (a luminous Juno Temple) was murdered some time earlier. Since Merrin was bludgeoned to death in the woods shortly after she had publicly broken up with Ig, and since Ig has no alibi for his whereabouts beyond getting hammered to assuage the heartbreak, he is the number one suspect. The town treats him accordingly.

Please don't show us your wang again.

Please don’t show us your wang again.

One morning, Ig wakes from a bender to fine two stubby little ram’s horns spouting form his forehead. Weird, right? But even stranger is the fact that other people can’t remember seeing the horns when they look away from them, and also are compelled to divulge the ugliest, most abhorrent thoughts when in their presence. For example, Ig’s doctor explains that he’s really prefer to hoover up some Oxy rather than see his patients. A false witness against Ig tells him that she’s making up her story to milk some fame out of the case. Most heartbreaking, Ig’s parents admit that they really don’t believe he’s innocent.

"Yeah, no way your insurance covers this."

“Yeah, no way your insurance covers this.”

As Ig’s horns grow and curl, he embraces the metaphor beneath the horns (*coughDevilcough*), turning some of the more venal people in town against themselves and setting out to solve the mystery of Merrin’s death. As he does so, he struggles with his own capacity for violence, and his grief over Merrin.

And that’s pretty much it.

There is  a lot of canoodling in this movie.

There is a lot of canoodling in this movie.

Now, I haven’t read the novel Horns, but it has a pretty good reputation. Hill is on his way to establishing himself a chip off his father’s ol’ block, and one can see the possibilities contained in Horns’s premise. The idea of an ostracized murder suspect turning the tables on his accusers by delving into their most shameful thoughts is pretty delicious, and there’s a lot that can be done with it. I’m not sure what Hill does with the premise, but Aja doesn’t do much. For example, the waitress bearing false witness against Ig should be almost pitiable in her spiritual emptiness, her desire Internet fame betraying a pathetic bankruptcy of the soul. In the movie she’s just an overly made-up Heather Graham playing a broad white-trash stereotype.

"'Sup, Sltheren?"

“‘Sup, Slytheren?”

Likewise, the violent cops that harass Ig should betray a deep well of frustrated masculinity that can only express itself through brutality. But in the movie they’re both just closeted and want to suck each other off.  This movie could have been wonderfully insightful, but instead reaches for the laziest, low-hanging fruit available.

It was only a matter of time before those Harry Potter kids went bad.

It was only a matter of time before those Harry Potter kids went bad.

Much of Horns padded run time is spent developing the characters, and yet they’re just as ill-defined by the end as they were when we met them. Ig is never more than a whipped dog who grows some horns. Merrin is considered to be a perfect paragon of lovingness by everyone who knows her, but that’s mostly communicated by being played by Juno Temple and shot to be dewy in her every scene. Ig’s family, his relationships, they’re all explained but we never see evidence or examples of those bonds. As a result, a movie with love and loss as its engine is almost totally uninvolving.

Dan's really big into "Legend" cosplay.

Dan’s really big into “Legend” cosplay.

Maybe Alexandre Aja wasn’t the best choice of director for this project. His filmography to this point has pretty much been high-concept, low-substance shock-flicks: High Tension, Mirrors, Piranha 3D, The Hills Have Eyes. If you want spurting blood, he’s your man. Personal stories, eh, not so much.  And this is a story that desperately needs a director of drama. Someone who can peel back the layers of his characters and expose the thorniness of their hearts. Aja…well, he just isn’t interested.

As a result, Harry Potter doesn’t acquit himself well. It’s hard to tell if that’s a reflection of Radcliffe’s abilities or just what he was able to do with what he was given. Either way, Ig is a hopelessly inert protagonist. Also, I have no fucking clue what they were going for in that climax. It looked like an episode of Dominion, and, ugh, who needs that?

How jaded do you have to be to look this bored with Juno Temple hanging off you?

How jaded do you have to be to look this bored with Juno Temple hanging off you?

Too bad, because Horns has the right skeleton for a great movie. Too bad it ended up in the wrong hands.


Just don’t taunt the Bigfoot: “Willow Creek”

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Okay, this is going to be a brief one since Willow Creek is a pretty slight movie, clocking in at a measly 77 minutes. Wait, really? 77 minutes? There are episodes of Doctor Who that run longer than that. Okay, maybe that’s not best example, but still. 77 minutes? Is it even legal to make a feature film that short? Well, whatever, nothing I can do about it. Given the fact this is a Bigfoot movie, and a found-footage Bigfoot movie at that, it’s probably merciful the movie’s this short.

So, yeah, Willow Creek is basically The Blair Witch Project with a Bigfoot. Um…yeah, that’s, um, that’s basically it.  Huh 111 words. New record.

Well, yeah, there’s a bit more to it than that, but wow, not much. In this movie, it’s not a team of young filmmakers, but a young couple who are out to make a movie about an unproven phenomenon.  Jim (Bryce Johnson) is a Bigfoot enthusiast who has brought his girlfriend, Kelly (Alexie Gilmore)—somewhat reluctantly—to Six Rivers National Forest to visit the site of that famous Bigfoot footage—you know, the footage where he’s just strolling along, and then looks over at the cameraman and he’s all like, “Hey,” and saunters off? So, off the bat we know that Jim’s a bit of nitwit and Kelly is a hell of a good sport.

Can someone explain to me how a dude who's hobby is "Bigfoot" scores a girlfriend like this?

Can someone explain to me how a dude who’s hobby is “Bigfoot” scores a girlfriend like this?

So, they wander around the park and meet some of the townsfolk. Some tell them whatever Bigfoot hooha they’ve been slinging for years; some are reluctant to speak on camera (fancy that), and some are downright hostile. Jim—big dolt that he is—just keeps pressing onward.

When they get close to the area where the footage was shot—Jim’s Mecca (I mean that in all seriousness, he’s a downright zealot when it comes to the ol’ Sasquatch)—things start to get ominous. Jim and Kelly are continually warned off. They even have a violent altercation with some yay-hoos, which really should have set off some alarms. I mean, what Jim need to know this is a bad idea? Dueling banjos? Ned Beatty squealing like a pig?

Yeah, this ended pretty much the only way it could.

Yeah, this ended up pretty much the only place it could.

And then something very bad and very poorly-shot happens. The end. There are a few interpretations of this scene ranging from “Timothy Treadwell-bad” to “Uh-oh, Chewbacca is horny-bad.” But they’re all pretty bad.

Willow Creek is basically a one-trick pony with that last scene being the trick. Maybe it’s worth 75 minutes of buildup watching a long-suffering girldfriend indulge her idiot boyfriend. Maybe not. You can answer that one for yourself. For me, though, Willow Creek was a bummer. It’s competently-enough made for what it is, but what it is is pretty damn slight.

When this is your boyfriend's idea of a date, it might be time to start using Tindr again.

When this is your boyfriend’s idea of a date, it might be time to start using Tindr again.

That’s too bad, since Willow Creek was made by Bobcat Goldthwait, who has built a solid second act to his career as a writer/director of some pretty bold, pretty uncompromising black comedies that are truly unlike any other movies. Look at World’s Greatest Dad or Sleeping Dogs Lie—would those movies by green-lit by any major studio?  But putting aside their inflammatory premises, they’re thorny, difficult explorations of human beings and their actions. That’s why Willow Creek is such a disappointment. Goldthwait’s seriously slumming here.

I don’t know why he decided on this project—maybe he wanted to try something different. Let’s hope he returns to form soon.

Yeah, no way that's a dude in an ape costume.

Yeah, no way that’s a dude in an ape costume.

Plus…Bigfoot. Does anyone believe that a species of huge man-apes can run around the forest and not be seen? Not be displaced by urban sprawl? And what’s so scary about them anyway? So you’re tromping around in the woods, and all of a sudden..eek! It’s a Bigfoot! Just shoot it. I mean, it’s not supernatural. It’s not a vampire or something. It’s basically a more anthropomorphic bear. Are you just going to wander in the wilderness all willy-nilly and leave yourself open to a bear attack? It’s the same thing.

What I guess I’m saying is, if you run into a Bigfoot and it eats you, well, that’s pretty much on you.


Just stay out of the woods already! “The Hunted”

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the-hunted-poster Why do people go into the woods? Does anything good ever happen there? On the evidence of cinema I’d have to say no, nothing good ever happens in the woods. I mean aside from ticks, mosquitos, rattlesnakes, a total lack of hygienic facilities and, I should add, absolutely nothing of interest, you also run the risk of contending with:

And, well, you get the point. There’s just no good reason to go into the woods. And Josh Stewart’s 2013 film The Hunted doesn’t give us one, either. The woods are just bad. Stewart’s film is basically a Blair Witch retread…yeah, just like Willow Creek, but there’s no Bigfoot in this one. It’s another found footage compilation in which two guys go into the woods and soon discover something is amiss. Then things escalate. Then there’s a poorly-filmed “shocking” ending. Fin. In the case of The Hunted, the woods-bait consist of two friends trying to make a hunting video in the hopes of starting their own line of outdoors videos which will hopefully bolster their flagging financial fortunes. Jake (Josh Stewart) is the face of the video, a bowhunter, angling to start the franchise off with a bang by taking down an exceptionally large buck nicknamed Movie Star. His buddy Stevie (Ronnie Gene Blevins) is the videographer, recently laid off from his job, who rigs their campsite and tree stand with cameras.

He seems like he'd be handy in a zombie-apocalypse.

He seems like he’d be handy in a zombie-apocalypse.

As is the case with these movies, we get a lot of weird nocturnal phenomenon, and no, I’m not talking about the Brokeback Mountain kind. Basically it’s a lot of weird noises and tent-shaking. Pretty soon, though, they start to hear what sounds like a woman screaming. Josh, the outdoorsman, chalks it up to a mountain lion, because the woods even has animals that mimic the sound of terror and death (it just hates you that much). Pretty soon things intensify. Equipment malfunctions, and sometimes seems to be recording something that isn’t there. Their blind is vandalized. The screaming intensifies. And—strangest thing—there aren’t any deer around. Josh is genuinely stumped by this latest development since they’re set up in the prime feeding ground.

Just a warning, scenes like this comprise, like, 90% of the movie.

Just a warning, scenes like this comprise, like, 90% of the movie.

Naturally, they’re warned off by some yay-hoo locals, and naturally they don’t listen. But the daughter of the local hunting lodge-owner knows of a disturbing story from years ago, about a woman who lived in those woods with her husband, until one day she killed him and herself. Could the woods be haunted? Or is Movie Star actually a massive, malevolent, killer-deer? Alas reader, Movie Star is not a man-eating deer. Man, I wish that was the case. That would be awesome.

Good. Use the truck to drive to a hotel.

Good. Use the truck to drive to a hotel.

I’ll try and preserve what little surprises are left in this film, but they’re pretty sparse and not very surprising. The reality is, this movie is a beat-for-beat rip off of The Blair Witch Project, right down to the denouement. The difference being, The Blair Witch Project had less interesting characters and a more interesting ending. The movie’s derivative nature is kind of a shame because Stewart’s direction and his and Blevins’ characters are actually quite good. Unlike most found footage movies, our protagonists this time around are people you actually enjoy spending time with. They’re both professionals trying to do their part of the project as best they can to make the thing work.

Seriously, dudes. A hotel. They probably have HBO.

Seriously, dudes. A hotel. They probably have HBO.

Some of the nighttime scares and screams are pretty effective, bit they get old quickly. Stewart’s bag of tricks is pretty shallow, and he exhausts his arsenal quickly. There’s also no real logic to way the movie plays out. At least in Blair Witch there was the sense that what befell those folks occurred because they went looking for the something terrible and they found it. In this movie two guys just want to make a hunting video and something supernatural just ups and goes all bitchcakes on them. So that’s The Hunted. There’s some talent at work here, but the story is just too predictable to really deliver any solid scares. Seriously, why go into the woods? You can’t even shower there.


In Hollywood, even the ghosts are famous: “The Black Dahlia Haunting”

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The case of the Black Dahlia is one of the most famous unsolved murder cases in history, and it’s not difficult to understand why. The killing of Elizabeth Short, aka The Black Dahlia, was so savage, so sadistic,, so monstrous that it’s nearly impossible to understand what kind of a mind could inflict such horrors on another human being. Even such prolific serial killers as John Wayne Gacy, Jefferey Dahmer, and Ted Bundy didn’t do to their victims what was done to Elizabeth Short (well, not pre-mortem anyway). Surely, a crime this horrific must have some larger implications or hold some larger meaning. James Ellroy expertly crafted the former idea into a great novel about the birth of modern Los Angeles. The low-budget horror flick The Black Dahlia Haunting…uh, well, it has a girl/girl shower scene. Without nudity. (Sigh) okay, let’s just get on with this.

The Black Dahlia Haunting begins as some dude digs around a cave and finds a magic knife of some sort. Suddenly he goes all woozy and begins hearing voices. Ew. That’s never good. At the same time, Holly Jensen (Devanny Pinn) arrives in LA to visit her estranged, blind brother Tyler (Noah Dahl). Tyler is in a mental institution after shooting his parents. Apparently he had really good aim for a blind guy, and his psychiatrist Dr. Brian Owen (Britt Griffith) is curious about that. Understandable, really.

Nothing scary than a ghost just hanging out. In broad daylight. On a bucolic suburban street.

Nothing scary than a ghost just hanging out. In broad daylight. On a bucolic suburban street.

Tyler doesn’t give much away about the murders except to say he had help. Almost like he had an accomplice, right? Yeah, except no one explores that option. Instead Dr. Owen is more interested in the pictures Tyler keeps sketching (blindly, remember). They’re pictures of famous murder victim Elizabeth Short.

Well, Holly doesn’t like Dr. Owen, but she doesn’t really like anybody, so she mostly just hangs out being ornery. She doesn’t know who Elizabeth Short is, never heard of the Black Dahlia, and doesn’t much give a damn about her. She also has bad dreams. Eventually a real fake CGI mist creeps up on her while she’s showering and takes the form of Elizabeth Short. Ghost Elizabeth promptly feels up an oblivious Holly, and then I guess possesses her.

This scene is, like, 85% of why this movie exists.

This scene is, like, 85% of why this movie exists.

Okay, so let’s speed this up a bit. Holly has been possessed by The Black Dahlia and the nameless dude has been possessed by her killer. Seems Holly’s father molested her and Tyler while her mom turned a blind eye, and Ghost Elizabeth helped him take his revenge. The various possessed people just do weird stuff until the dude kills himself for reasons I didn’t quite catch. Then Holly-Dahlia (Hahlia?) kills a couple of cops for reasons I also didn’t catch.

Finally, Hahlia gets abducted by Dr. Owen, who, as it turns out, is the grandson of the Dahlia killer. He takes her to the family murder dungeon where she taunts him until he kills her. Uh…I’m not sure what Ghost Elizabeth’s plan was here. Aha! But then Tyler shows up—guided, no doubt, but Ghost Dahlia who helped him kill his parents. Tyler kills Dr. Owen, and now the Dahlia can rest in peace. Presumably. I don’t know.

Not exactly the direction I'd go with the make-up, but what do I know?

Not exactly the direction I’d go with the make-up, but what do I know?

Man, what a gross movie. Look, I appreciate that director Brandon Slagle made this movie for, like, the cost of an Unlimited Ride MetroCard, but you don’t need a budget to write a good story (ahemPrimerahem). The Black Dahlia Haunting is not a good story. I mean, c’mon, we got two ghosts controlling people for no real reason. Is there any reason Ghost Katherine selected Tyler to kill her killer’s ghost-zombie and his grandson? Why didn’t she just possess someone to kill him like, after she died? Why did she wait a couple decades? Was she busy?

Ultimately, we’ve sene this kind of movie before, and there’s no real reason this had to be about The Black Dahlia. There is nothing specific to the case that makes this movie work. It could be a totally fictionalized murder and the movie would be more or less the same. But Slagle seems to have a thing for cranking out low budget horror movies capitalizing on heinous crimes (House of Manson and the upcoming The Zodiac Legacy), so there’s your answer.

Also there's this. Really sells it, huh?

Also there’s this. Really sells it, huh?

Ultimately, The Black Dahlia Haunting is a grimy exploitation pic without the direction, acting or dialogue to even make it competently off-putting. As it is, it’s just inert. I mean, it makes the god-awful Brian DePalma adaptation of Ellroy’s novel look like a masterpiece by comparison. How bad do you have to be to make that happen? The Black Dahlia Haunting bad.


Portrait of the vampire as a young impaler: “Dracula Untold”

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Dracula Untold. Wow. Just wow. I didn’t think they gave movies this mind-breakingly stupid a theatrical release. I mean, this should be embarrassedly shuffled into Redbox and VOD, while the creative team behind it change their names and go into porn to save their careers. I really didn’t think I was going to see a major studio release that made me long for the clarity and storytelling sophistication of I, Frankenstein, but there that movie is. It’s just bad. So, so bad.

Dracula Untold basically repurposes the (adopted) background of Count Dracula—here, as in other works, made out to be Vlad Tepes a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler—in order to make a soggy Lord of the Rings knock-off. In this version of the story, Vlad(Luke Evans)  is a reformed child soldier who put all that nasty impaling business behind him and now rules Transylvania with his doting wife and moppet son.

The kinder, gentler side of Vlad the Impaler.

The kinder, gentler side of Vlad the Impaler.

Okay, the movie has barely started and already we’re being asked to retcon one of the most brutal rulers in European history into a kindly husband/father. You know, as if the very gory and public executions of countless innocent people as a terror tactic is something you can put into perspective. This is a little like making a movie in which Josef Stalin is a superhero and only plays the part of murderous dictator to maintain his secret identity.

Well, one day the Turks march into town and demand 1000 children to swell their ranks of child soldiers so they can march on Europe. Vlad isn’t really thrilled with this idea—especially since they demand his son as well—and is all like, “Suck my left nut on a windy day, dude.” But the Turks make it clear if he doesn’t hand over the kids, they raze his lands and enslave all the kids. Turks are dicks in this movie. And kind of in real life too (like how they bombed the Kurds last week? Not cool, guys).

Those damn British Turks...

Those damn British Turks…

To battle the Turks, Vlad goes to an old vampire living in a scary cave and asks him to vampirize him. The vampire (a very good Charles Dance) agrees, but tell Vlad that he will have to resist his overpowering urge to drink human blood for three days, otherwise he’ll forever be vampire. Vlad is all over this deal.

So then for the rest of the movie, Vlad basically just pwns the Turks, fighting them with his super speed, strength, and ability to transform into a flock of CGI bats. After a while, though the Transylvanians start to get suspicious of Vlad and try and burn at the stake, since he is, after all, a vampire. Vlad shakes it off, and continues wiping out the Turks—unfortunately, it takes longer than three days. Uh-oh!

"This is my war face!"

“This is my war face!”

God this movie is awful. I don’t even know where to begin? Is it the fact we’re supposed to root for Vlad the Fucking Impaler? (and we’re supposed to be totally cool with it when he says, “For every village I Impaled, it saved ten.” Oh, well, hey, in that case…) Or that the movie doesn’t even bother to hide the fact that a 1000-man army doesn’t need to overcome Vlad. They can just send a couple hundred guys to distract him, while the rest march on the nearest village.

But we also have:

* You know a massive swarm of bats really isn’t that effective a weapon against a marauding army. What are they going to do? Get tangled in people’s hair? Bite them and give them rabies?

Also, at some point in this movie, Dracula becomes Storm from The X-Men.

Also, at some point in this movie, Dracula becomes Storm from The X-Men.

*And while we’re on the subject, Vlad supposedly has control over thee creatures of the night. Hey, know what else are creatures of the night? Wolves. Don’t you think that might be a more effective army to marshal?

* The movie seems to have a vaguely pervy feel when the Sultan of Turkey keeps demanding his boys. “Where are my boys? You promised me boys. I still don’t have my boys!”  and Vlad once says, “Take me! I’m worth any number of boys!” This movie is like a huge NAMBLA cocktease.

This has got to be the most sexless vampire story since the 1800s...

This has got to be the most sexless vampire story since the 1800s…

* Additionally, it’s hard not to read into the line, “Go for the rear!” Did this movie begin life as gay porn?

* The sun seems to rise and set totally arbitrarily, depending upon what the scene needs Vlad to do.

* Likewise, why does the Turkish army constantly attack at night?

* In one of the film’s great WTF? moments, the sultan blindfolds his army before marching them into battle, so that they don’t become terrorized by vampire-Vlad. It’s such an incredibly stupid scene I was waiting for the characters on screen to break the fourth wall and just be like, “Oh, come on!”

They march pretty well for being blindfolded.

They march pretty well for being blindfolded.

* One character plummets to their death, and the actor just stands in front of the green screen looking vaguely-bored.

* The film ends with Vlad hanging out in modern-day Europe making on some chick who looks like his former wife. Because Dracula is actually a good dude. Just like Vlad the Impaler was.

Yeah, so that’s Dracula Untold. Oh, and no, it’s not scary at all. The prospect of a sequel is, though.


Total system failure: “Terminator: Genisys”

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[NOTE: This reviews contains some spoilers, though nothing that wasn’t given away in the trailers for the film. Still, if you’re totally unspoiled about Terminator: Genisys you may want to avoid this review.]

Few things are worse today than the were in the early ‘90s: music, fashion, technology are all much, much better than in, say, 1991. If you don’t believe me, just take a wander down memory lane that is the Internet and behold that INXS-rocking, tortoiseshell glasses-wearing, Discman-listening-to moment in history and you’ll likely feel the same immense relief at being alive in this point in time as when you read an article about, say, medieval medical practices. But there is one thing the early ‘90s had over today, at least 24 years ago we could get a decent Terminator movie, as opposed to the one Hollywood just coughed up. Yep, I’ll just say it: Terminator: Genisys is even dumber than it’s title.

So, this latest attempt by Hollywood to cannibalize its past in an effort to stave off total creative bankruptcy initially attempts to follow the events of the first Terminator film completely from Kyle Reese’s perspective (Reese, this time through, is played by Jai Courtney, and ugh…). We’re present when the human resistance finally breaks the back of Skynet’s future dystopia and the realization that someone must go back in time to prevent Skynet’s hail-Mary plan of sending young Arnold Schwarzenegger back to the ‘80s to kill a pre-shredded Sarah Connor (this time played by Emilia Clarke, and sigh.)

Jai Courtney "acting"

Jai Courtney “acting”

Oh, and I’m just assuming you know what happens in the Terminator movies, because anyone who hasn’t seen the first two Terminators is probably a member of ISIS or something, and I’m sure as hell not making like easy for ISIS.

Anyway, Reese gets to 1984 and discovers that—surprise!—Sarah is already waiting for him with a late-middle age Terminator she calls “Pops” (sigh…yes he’s called Pops). Whoa! What happened? How did the timeline get altered? (Spoiler: I don’t know and neither does the movie).

After fending of a couple more terminators, the trio decide they have to travel to the future time of 2016 to prevent the launch of Genisys, a fancy new OS pioneered by Cyberdyne. Seems Reese has phantom memories of a divergent timeline, and they’re telling him that Genisys is actually Skynet. But, wait! How will the intrepid trio travel 30 years into the future? Oh, yeah, they built a time machine. Because, fuck logic.

This image pretty much says it all.

This image pretty much says it all.

Once in 2014, this group—who is utterly unfazed by 30 years of progress and exhibiting absolutely no culture shock at all— sets out to blow up Cyberdyne. Again. Only this time, someone is waiting for them: John Connor himself, and he has been converted into a super mega banzai terminator which…uh…they don’t actually explain all that well. Pops explains, “He has been converted at a cellular level,” which…uh, yeah. Anything is pretty much that thing on a cellular level.

And it goes like that, playing out more or less how you’d expect but much, much worse.

It’s been almost 25 years since we had a good Terminator movie, but T:G is such a slog it makes one long for the mediocre workmanship of Rise of the Machines. Director Alan Taylor (who previously made the similarly uninspired Thor: The Dark World) is incapable of staging an exciting action scene to save his life. The action is PG-13, which itself is not a deal-breaker (the Terminator movies were never very bloody, and most of the violence this time is robot-on-robot), but his reliance on CGI gunfire makes the action sequences seem insubstantial. The actors look like kids pointing toy guns at each other and saying “bang!”

 

Totally not a green screen...

Totally not a green screen…

But even more deadly for this movie is the fact that it is attempting to rewrite two films that had tight scripts and iconic acting with one that has a baggy, nigh-nonsensical plot and atrocious acting. Jai Courtney’s utter lack of talent or charisma is by now well-documented, but I was totally unprepared for how bad Clarke is. On the basis of her sub-WB caliber acting I can only assume she’s such a popular character on Game of Thrones because she’s flanked by dragons. That or showing her boobs in Season One went a real long way.

Whatever James Cameron’s faults as a filmmaker and human being, he writes, tight scripts with an attention to detail (recall the scene when the T-1000 oozes through the bars at Sarah’s mental hospital, only for his Beretta to get stuck). This film, by contrast, just doesn’t care. The characters even call out one plot hole when they inform Evil John that if he kills them he’ll cease to exist, and John basically says, “Uh, I don’t think that’ll happen.”

Get used to this goddamn joke, since the move hammers it into the ground.

Get used to this goddamn joke, since the move hammers it into the ground.

But this movie’s main selling point is the return of Schwarzenegger to the role for the first time since Rise of the Machines (his CGI visage was seen briefly in Terminator Salvation), and it’s a welcome return. Not simply because he’s the one decent actor who’s given appreciable screen time (pros like Sandrine Holt and J.K. Simmons show up only to be pushed aside to make room for John and Sarah’s tepid relationship), but also because as Schwarzenegger showed in The Last Stand and Maggie, he’s embraced his age and carries the melancholia of maturity into his roles now. He gives his aging and obsolete T-800 real pathos.

But on top of that we have:

* As you can see in the trailer, the action in this movie makes no damn sense outside of a computer. A motorcycle drives atop a school bus? I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure school bus roofs aren’t designed to withstand that weight.

* Similarly, the bus then flips end-over-end in a ripoff of The Dark Knight, except, unlike in that film, there is no physical reason for the bus to tumble that way. Physics is not this movie’s friend.

* Clarke and Courtney are so bad they are even incapable of landing a joke.

* I’ll give her this, though: Clarke does bear an uncanny resemblance to young Linda Hamilton.

* The VFX are pretty bad, but the nighttime chase between helicopters through downtown San Francisco looks like the opening of a Vivid Videos feature (uh…everyone remembers that, right?)

* As John Connor, Jason Clarke is okay, but the facial prosthetics he wears interfere with his ability to emote.

* Matt Smith’s gets about five minute of screen time. because you never want people who can actually act to show up too much in your movie.

* Left unaddressed is how Sarah and Pops can build a time machine in 1984, but Cyberdyne in 2015 can’t quite do it yet-despite having Evil John advising them.   

So, that’s Terminator: Genisys. They cancelled The Sarah Connor Chronicles but they made this. Go figure.



From the mists of time: “I, the Jury”

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It’s tempting to call 1982’s I, the Jury a sleazy, pulpy , mercenary adaptation of Mickey Spillane’s 1947 novel, but that would ignore just how sleazy and pulpy Spillane’s novel is in the first place. Sure, the movie basically jettisons big chunks of Spillane’s plot and fills it in with crap about mind-control and the CIA, but Spillane probably would have done that if he’d thought of it at the time (and who knows, he might have used it in later novels—he wrote, like, a million of them). No, this I, the Jury is just as trashy and lurid as its source material (which courted controversy upon its release for its violence and sex), adjusted, of course, for for 1982 sensibilities, and that amounts to very lurid and trashy. I mean, there’s a reason that during my childhood, this movie was the Holy Grail of HBO’s early offerings, and it’s not the snazzy soundtrack.

The film begins more or less the same as the novel. Wait…nope, let’s back that up. The movie actually begins with Spillane’s iconic hero (I feel there should be quotes around that) Mike Hammer (Armand Assante) taking a job looking after the beautiful and hot-to-trot wife of some not-entirely-trusting poor dupe. Smash cut to Hammer banging her while he gives the husband a double entendre-laden progress report (“I’m busting my balls on this one…don’t worry, I’ll keep it up…” he’s like a sleazier version of Roger Moore’s 007). Then we get the opening credits sequence, and, wow, what an opening credits they are. Basically a series of stills of Armand Assante  trying to seduce the camera, while Bill Conti’s score (which could only be described as “‘70s-as-all-fuck”) wails in the background. From all this we can conclude 1) Hammer is kind of a dick, and 2) whoever designed the main titles really wanted to bone Armand Assante. I hope they got the chance to.

From here the story begins as it does in the novel: Hammer’s one-armed war-veteran buddy is murdered, and if there is one thing you absolutely do not do is kill Mike Hammer’s buddy. Hammer then proceed to investigate the case using his personal technique of being giant dick and killing everyone he meets. Well, he doesn’t everybody, he…no, wait, yeah actually he does.

Mike Hammer starting his day...

Mike Hammer starting his day…

It helps that the villains are both incredibly loathsome and ridiculously cartoony. I, the Jury has trouble sustaining a unified tone aside from “sleaze.” For example, the movie features a twisted serial rapist/killer who sexually terrorizes his victims before gutting them (in one case on a water bed which gushes bloody water). But then throws in such goofiness as the scene in a Benihana, as a witness who is just about to give up the goods to Hammer suddenly has her throat cut by the chef (Wait, was the chef an assassin who was working undercover in Benihana in the off chance someone who needed to be killed sometime might eat there and at his table? Was he like “Finally! Maybe I’ll get transferred to the Cheesecake Factory after this”?) Or when another witness (also about to give the info to Hammer) is killed on the set of a movie when the hit man fires a knife out of some kind of a knife-gun at him. Do knife-guns exist? Isn’t that kind of redundant? And why do these bad guys wait until someone is about to spill the beans to kill them? Seems like a little preventative measures would go a long way.

The improbabilities required to make this scene work will make your head explode.

The improbabilities required to make this scene work will make your head explode.

 

When Hammer isn’t killing people, he’s pretty much having sex with every woman in the movie, which is made easier by the fact his mere presence makes women all but present like baboons in heat. And, hey, this makes sense; he’s 1980’s Armand Assante, after all. He’s a beautiful man. His primary conquest Charlotte Bennett, an icy sex therapist played by Barbara Carrera…and boy is she ever (yeah, I think we can just make “Barbara Carrera” an adjective).  But on top of that, there’s a set of nubile blonde twins (because of course there are), and, true to the books, he manages to resist the advances of his beautiful, spunky gal-Friday Velda (Laureen Landon who steals her every scene). Basically, Mike Hammer lives a life that might have been fantasized by a 15 year-old boy: when he’s not killing dudes, he’s totally nailing chicks.

I gotta use his staffing agency.

I gotta use his staffing agency.

Bennett runs a tony sex clinic which Hammer’s buddy attended with his wife to help their ailing marriage (it’s hinted that both parties have weird sexual hang-ups, probably due to the fact that she has a horse-face, and he looks like a potato). The clinic, as one would expect, is merely a front for a CIA mind-control operation run by a ruthless CIA officer. Naturally, he is using the clinic to program assassins (the CIA must have done some weird shit before drones were invented). It’s an overly complicated scheme that also somehow involves the mafia (because the mafia is like the CIA’s ex-con brother-in-law, apparently). Anyway, the plot’s so ridiculous that it seems downright appropriate that the movie ends with Hammer assaulting a villain’s compound with a machine gun.  It’s not really in keeping with detective novels, but it’s perfect for this movie.

Oh, and I totally missed why his buddy got killed. Really, it’s not that important.

Barbara was interfering my normal brain functions.

Barbara was interfering my normal brain functions.

But this mere synopsis doesn’t really convey how much sleaze there is to wade through in this film. Shocking, I know, that a movie which features a sex clinic as a plot-point would be sleazy, but there you go. Said sex clinic is the reason why a hardboiled detective movie can contain an orgy scene dropped in the middle of it like some excised footage from Caligula. But fear not, for hack director Richard T. Heffron puts it to good use, but cutting between the orgy and a scene of the serial killer attacking the aforementioned twins (we’ve already seen them naked, so they’re expendable now). I’m sure he thought it was terribly artistic to juxtapose the brutal stabbing of the twins on a water bed to a lot of middle-aged people’s O–faces.

Any given day in the life of Mike Hammer.

Any given day in the life of Mike Hammer.

So–there’s really no easy way to put this—Armand Assante basically plays Mike Hammer as a really bad New York character actor. Who’s coked to the gills. Assante is a native of New York City, but he still manages to dial his Noo Yawkiness up to about 20. He brings it right to the edge of parody and then sprints right past it–shooting his cuffs, mushing his vowels, and basically Guido-ing it up as much as possible. Give him this, though: his delivery of the movie’s (and the book’s) last line it simply perfect.

Any given day in the life of Mike Hammer.

Any given day in the life of Mike Hammer.

So, that’s I, the Jury. Lots of sex, violence, outlandish plot developments, and Armand Assante simply consuming the scenery. Mickey Spillane would be proud. Well, maybe not.  Either way, he’d cash the check.


The machine apocalypse is…not so bad, really: “Robot Overlords”

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Robot Overlords is the kind of movie that makes you look twice at the poster to assure yourself that, yes, this is a thing. This is a thing that exists right now. Someone made a low-budget movie about giant robots attacking a small British town and got Gillian Anderson and Sir Ben Kinsley to star it, and it is a thing in the world. As bizarre as that may seem.

So, Robot Overlords doesn’t mislead. The movie is about overlords. Overlords who are robots. Seems four years ago the robots arrived, and after a scant 11 days of fighting conquered earth. Since then they’ve…well, they’ve been pretty cool about being overlords. They haven’t gone all Terminator on us or anything—no skull-stomping or Sarah Connor chasing for them. Hell, they don’t even do that thing where they pin you down and slap you with your own hand and “Why’re you hitting yourself? Why’re you hitting yourself?’ (a perennial favorite of big brothers throughout history) Instead, they’ve just imprisoned people in their homes under threat of being dematerialized by the massive robot sentries that roam the earth. Rather than ankle-bracelets, everyone has an implant behind their right ear. All things considered, it could be a lot worse.

They're not really lording it over us...

They’re not really lording it over us…

The movie follows a group of kids living in the home of do-gooder Kate Flynn (Gillian Anderson), who takes in, uh, stray kids. Among them, is Kate’s son Sean (Callan McAuliffe), a level-headed teenager who spends his days searching for his lost RAF pilot father by launching tennis balls carrying a MISSING poster; siblings Monique and Wayne (Geraldine James and Tamar Hassan), and grade-school aged Connor (Milo Parker). Together they form an informal foster family, despite the fact that Sean and Monique have the hots for one another.

"Mom, why are you the same age as me?"

“Mom, why are you the same age as me?”

This motley crew lives in a picturesque British town (actually filmed in Ireland), under the control of collaborator Robin Smythe (Sir Ben himself). Smythe is a petty dictator who uses his position to smarmily worm his way into the life of Kate with the intention of making her his wife. So, yeah, Smythe is basically using the robot invasion to try and bone Gillian Anderson…which automatically makes him the smartest person in the movie. Because, really, wouldn’t you do the same thing? Yes you would. Admit it. You would.

ourobot04

What pact did she make with Cthulu that keeps her looking younger today than in 1993?

So, the plot kicks in when the kids mess around with a recovered car battery (hey, I guess you get bored being stuck inside for years), and discover that if they electrocute themselves they can knock out the implants for about a dozen hours. Immediately, they kids set out to explore the outside world and find Sean’s dad.

Unfortunately, they’re kind of dumb and end up getting caught by Smythe and the robots. Smythe drains the mind of Sean’s grandfather in a scene that’s actually pretty extreme for a movie that obviously is geared toward kids and tweens.

ben_kingsley_and_craig_garner_in_robot_overlords__wide

Ben, this makes “Species” look like Hamlet…

Well, Smythe manages to knock himself out (note: no one’s very smart in this movie), and the group goes on the run. Along the way, they get help from a the residents of a hotel which has devolved into a Thunderdome-lite dictatorship, and, eventually rescue Kate and find their way to a mine where a group of resistance fighters have holed up. There they find Sean’s dad and a perfectly-preserved WW2 Spitfire.

Along the way, they discover that Sean has the ability to control the machines using only his mind, because…uh…he has the Force? I dunno. It’s not explained. Anyway, the machines attack, and Wayne and Sean’s dad use the Spitfire the provide cover-fire as Sean manages to shut down all the machines and save the earth.

he manages to be worse than Hayden Christiansen.

He wants to be Hayden Christensen so bad.

So, yeah, there you have it: Earth is saved by a 70 year-old fighter plane, a car battery, and a low-rent Luke Skywalker.

As I mentioned earlier, Robot Overlords is clearly aimed at tweens and younger audience members, which accounts for its straightforward plot and lack of any complexity in its characters. But that doesn’t excuse its rock-dumbness. Even kids can figure out that writers Mark Stay and Jon Wright (who also directed) took short cuts with the plot. I mean, in four years no one thought to try and use electricity to short out the implants? No one in the world? Even more egregious is the fact that no explanation is given for Sean’s abilities. He just discovers that he’s the robot whisperer.

Silly robots! The verdant countryside gets destroyed FIRST!

Silly robots! The verdant countryside gets destroyed FIRST!

The movie has decent effects for its budget. The robots are large and clunky, and a welcome change from the over-designed busyness of the transformers. And the performances—even the kids—are pretty good. Anderson and Kingsley are clearly slumming, but still put a nice spin on their poorly-drawn characters. I still have no idea why they took the job. Anderson, in particular, would seem to have enough on her plate, starring in both Hannibal and The Fall simultaneously.

"What are you spending your salary on?" "New Jaguar. You?

“What are you spending the money from this on?” “New Jaguar. You?”

Anyway, that’s Robot Overlords. It’s harmless enough.


Repost: “Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark”

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So we come to it at last: the final chapter in the Mega Shark trilogy. It’s been a long, emotionally-wrought journey, as we followed this cartilage-framed anti-hero from the ice of the Arctic ocean to the wild, vibrant nightlife of Panama (the shark didn’t do any partying—he mostly just ate people). He confronted such nemesis’s (nemesi?) as Giant Octopuses, the US Navy, Crocasauruses, the US Navy again, and Deborah Gibson. But like all great series’—Breaking Bad, The Shield, Mystery Science Theater 3000—this one too must come to an end. And you gotta give The Asylum this much: with Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark they did indeed save the best for last.


So, MS v. MS begins in grand fashion as the Mega Shark—still scarred from the injuries he sustained during Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurusattacks the Egyptian port at Alexandria, where he not only trashes everything in sight, but, for good measure, tail-whacks a tugboat all the way to Giza where it decapitates a Sphynx (which is a good 180 kilometers away, but we’re using Michael Bay units of distance in this movie).

Well, this kicks off a global panic since this is after all a super-mega-banzai shark which destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge, plucked airlines out of the sky at cruising altitude, and pretty much destroyed the US Navy. As we hear in flurry of news reports all international air and sea travel has been suspended. So now, with the world’s economy at stake, the US Navy must confront and defeat this threat. Something they’ve been roundly incapable of in the past, but hope springs eternal, I guess.

And the score is still holding at Mega Shark: 257 US Navy: 0...

And the score is still holding at Mega Shark: 257 US Navy: 0…

Ah, but this time the Navy has a secret weapon: a gigantic mechanical shark with an AI that sounds like they stole it from Knight Rider. In charge of the Mecha Shark project is the husband and wife team of Jack Turner and Rosie Gray (Christopher Judge and Elisabeth Rohm—no I don’t know how to make the umlaut). Rosie is the pilot of the Mech (which mostly entails her turning control over to the KITT/Shark AI a lot), while Jack is the technical advisor (which means he mostly stares at screens and barfs expository dialogue about what we’ve just seen happen).

“Come at me, bro!”

The first engagement goes pretty poorly for the mech and sinks several US Navy ships, of course (by this point I just have to assume the Navy brings along spares for the Mega Shark to sink), but Rosie and Jack figure out that the best way to use the Mech is simply to let the KITT/Shark drive, while Rosie presses the button to fire the torpedoes. Um…how much you figure Rosie is getting paid for this gig? Whatever it is it’s too much. 

Anyway, they get the hang of things just in time, as the Mega Shark attacks an offshore oil platform because, uh, he believes in renewable energy maybe? Dunno. But this causes an oil leak of Deepwater Horizon proportions. When Rosie and the Mech get there, they are able to swiftly cap the pipe by ramming into it and bending it half. Seriously, it’s just that easy. Takes less than five minutes. Why didn’t we have one of these things in 2010? Thanks Obama! 

“Elon Musk! says SUCK IT!”

And then a 727 wanders into the airspace above the leak, and the Mega Shark leaps up to eat it, only to be intercepted and knocked the hell away by the Mech! Yeah, it’s pretty tits.

I can’t help myself…I just can’t stop eating these things.”

Unfortunately, this pisses off the Mega Shark (understandable, really), and he goes all bitchcakes on the Mech, thrashing it pretty soundly, and leaving it adrift beneath the sea. It then goes off to do what it does best and pwn the US Navy. This time, it belly flops onto an aircraft carrier and sends 13 billion bucks into the briny depths. At this point I just have to wonder what we have a navy for beyond feeding it to the Mega Shark.

“Hope you weren’t too attached to this carrier.”

While Jack and Rosier and the KITT/Shark work to restore the Mech’s system and come up with a plan, the Mega Shark heads to Australia. Why? Well, this answer comes to us courtesy of Deborah Gibson herself (yay!) as she reprises her breakthrough role as marine biologist Emma MacNeil. Emma explains that the Mega Shark is horny and Australian accents turn him on (actually there’s some twaddle about Sydney being its breeding ground in the prehistoric days, but isn’t my explanation better?)

So, the Mech races to Sydney only to get thrashed again, and and end up beached on the Sydney Opera House. This latest humiliation messes up the Mech’s systems and AI is overridden by the Mech’s “drone mode.” Alas, drone mode doesn’t mean it blows up Pakistani weddings at the whim of some dude in Nebraska slurping a Big Gulp. Basically, it means the Mech goes all “crush/kill/destroy,” because, I guess someone in the Pentagon figured we’d eventually go to war with Australia (that’ll probably happen). Now this wouldn’t be a problem, as the Mech is beached on a world landmark and all, however the Mech also has a (cough) “amphibious mode,” in which it spawns tracks and becomes a huge Mardi Gras Float of Mass Destruction.

The only thing better is if she'd mud-wrestle Tiffany again.

The only thing that wopuld be better is if she’d mud-wrestle Tiffany again.

While the Mech is busy obeying its “kill the vegemite-eaters” program, Jack and Rosie mess around inside the Mech’s guts to re-establish control. When they do, they have the KITT/Shark AI take it out to sea, where it tricks the Mega Shark to bite its remaining torpedo pod. This blows the Mech and the Meg sky-high, while—in an obvious homage to Jaws: The Revenge—Jack and Rosie emerge from the sea pretty much totally dry.

But this crude form of communication doesn’t do justice to the awesomeness that this Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. There’s also these elements:

* Dialogue like: “Everything’s fine!” Jack reassures Rosie, despite the fact there’s a belly-up Mecha Shark parked in the Sydney Opera House right behind them. Or, “Arm torpedo tubes!” Um, I’m no sailor, but I’m pretty certain you can’t “arm” a torpedo tube. “It’s huge!” one guy says of the Mega Shark, because, I guess, he wasn’t paying attention to the first part of its name.

* All those Stargate series did Judge well, since he acts the hell out of his every scene. It’s quite a contrast to Rohm, who never met a line of dialogue she couldn’t suck the life out of like one of the space vampires in Lifeforce.

* Gibson is so clearly not taking this movie seriously. She’s on the verge of laughing fits for most of her scenes and may actually be drunk.

If so, she's a fun drunk...

Or this. This is good too…

* The Mecha Shark is actually pretty buggy. Must have been manufactured by GM.

* This is a clear improvement over the last installment if only because there’s not an Urkel to be found.

* Oh…Jack and Rosie…I just got that.

* Whether you think this is better or worse than the first Mega Shark movie depends upon where you fall on the “octopus/mecha” debate. Now, longtime readers of this blog know that I’m an octopus guy. Still, I like the idea that the Navy just said “screw it, we don’t have any better ideas” and built a giant mechanical shark.

* And with that, a B-movie great swims off into the sunset. Safe journeys, Mega Shark, until we meet again.


Humanity’s greatest artistic achievement? Maybe. “Mega Shark Versus Kolossus”

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Well, it seems rumors of the Mega Shark’s demise were greatly exaggerated, as the good folks at The Asylum Pictures have dusted him off for yet another outing. Either these god-awful movies are more lucrative than I imagined or they really want to get their 150 bucks worth out of the CGI shark rendering they bought (probably online). Whatever the case, now I feel pretty silly getting all sentimental at the end of Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. I swear I wouldn’t have gone on a three-day bender and sent all those weepy texts to Deborah Gibson if I knew that a scant year later the big guy would be back to battle its greatest foe yet: a massive Russian humanoid robot-bomb. Yes, just let that sink in a bit.

Okay, so possibly the most charming thing about this movie (bearing in mind that when dealing with Asylum films, “charming” and “are-you-fucking-kidding-me” can be used more or less interchangeably), is the fact that the movie’s creative force (*cough*) place all these movies in the same universe. That’s right, there is a Mega Shark canon. I guess this means humanity has reached its pinnacle achievement and can now officially slough off its physical bodies and become beings of pure energy and move to another dimension.

Within the Mega Shark canon (ow…brain hurts), the massive sharks have seriously screwed up travel and commerce and wrecked economic havoc on the world, so the world’s navies all work to prevent Mega Shark attacks. This is pretty funny since, as we’ve seen in every MS movie, sending a warship at a Mega Shark is roughly the same as tossing a rawhide bone to a dog. No matter how many times you do it, the rawhide sure as shit ain’t gonna come out on top.

mega-shark-vs-crocosaurus-3

Aw, Mega Shark…I wish I could quit you.

On this particular occasion, some Russians off the coast of Rio (uh…what?) accidentally stirs up a Mega Shark which promptly destroys their trawler because, that’s how it do. A couple mini attack subs called Team Unicorn and piloted by the titular sexy cosplayers (of their own online series) tries to take it down, but the Mega Shark proves immune to their puny torpedoes and not-so-puny push-up bras, blithely tossing one of the subs into that big Jesus statue that gets destroyed any time any movie takes place in Rio.

Like, 70% of the reason this movie was made, right here.

Like, 70% of the reason this movie was made, right here.

Meanwhile, in Chernobyl (which has somehow transformed from a forest to a desert), a cute CIA agent named Moira King (Amy Rider—possibly drunk) tries to take down a team of mercenaries who are stealing a popwer source called Red Mercury from an abandoned lab. In the process, they awake a massive robot called Kolossus, which growls angrly and stomps off. This is bad, since it’s freakin’ huge—like skyscraper huge—and since, King learns, it’s a massive nuclear bomb that can self-detonate multiple times. Yeah, I’m not sure how that works either. It kind of farts mushroom clouds.

So, the UN sends a fleet to intercept the Mega Shark commanded by Admiral Titus Jackson (Ernest Thomas of What’s Happening, er, fame—clearly drunk). Jackson is a regular Ahab, willing to wipe out the Mega Shark no matter what world-killing device it takes. Seriously, this is a dude who gets rid of a rodent infestation by setting the building on fire. And then carpeting bombing the block. And then nuking it from orbit. And then shooting the sun with the Genesis Device for good measure. Along with him is some douchebag scientist who’s almost always wrong about stuff and pretty inconsequential to the plot, so let’s not worry about him.

Yet another thing our fighters cannot destroy...

Yet another thing our Navy cannot destroy…

Racing them on the high seas is Doctor Douchebag’s nemesis and good-gal scientist, Dr. Allison Gray (Illeana Douglas—very drunk, and who can blame her) and quadzillionre tech genius Joshua Dane (Brody Hutzler–sober, surprisingly enough). Dane’s got all sorts of whiz-bang technology, which comes in handy when the Navy’s plans predictably lead to more casualties than The Battle of Stalingrad. Seems their plan to blow the Mega Shark up by feeding it a dead humpback whale goes all Pete Tong when the Mega Shark tosses the whale at the flagship, where it detonates.

Yes, this is a movie in which a shark throws a whale at a Navy destroyer. Seriously, why even bother making movies after this? The mountaintop of the art form has been surmounted and fixed with a flag that says MEGA SHARK!!!!

mega_shark_vs_great_titan

Also, Kolossus can shoot lasers, because of course he can.

Back to Agent King. She and some lackey track down the scientist who built Kolossus, who gives them some useful info about how to shut down Kolossus just before he’s killed by some convenient mercenaries. King blows them all away by rapid-firing a flintlock rifle (possibly the most realistic element in the film) before Kolossus shows up. King and co. beat feat in an Osprey and barely survive being fart-nuked.

King then has the brainstorm to lure Kolossus into the water to fight Mega Shark. She does this by hanging a giant American flag out of the Osprey and leading it to the Mega Shark. While the two monsters fight, the nominal heroes of this movie all team up to stop Kolossus. This entails breaking into a long-abandoned underwater Soviet weapons lab. Man, we had a shit-ton of money during the Cold War. What happened? Nowadays we’re waging war with RC airplanes.

Seriously, a country that could barely build a can-opener built this thing?

Seriously, a country that could barely build a can-opener built this thing?

Well, they get the tech to control Kolossus, but psyche! Dane takes control of Kolossus and uses it to blackmail the world into being more eco-friendly, threatening to fart-nuke the major contributors to global warming (you’re boned, China). Jackson, as you can imagine, doesn’t take kindly to this and tries to blow it up with an attack satellite called The Gipper (guess who green-lit that weapons system). Only to have Kolossus throw the Mega Shark into orbit destroying The Gipper before landing back in the ocean safely!

Seriously, a giant robot-bomb blew up satellite by hitting it with a giant prehistoric shark. This film will be studied by future humans along with the works of Homer.

(Also: That’s a seriously handy shark. It’s like multi-tool with teeth.)

So, Jackson does what anyone would do in these circumstances: he kills everyone aboard his ship, launches a massive nuclear strike, and then commits suicide. Um…how does one get to be an Admiral, anyway? Does collecting proof-of-purchase labels from whiskey bottles have something to do with it? Because on the evidence, I think it may.

Aw, Mega Shark. I wish I could quit you.

It kinda looks like he’s petting him.

Unfortunately, for Dane, Agent King is a mean drunk and kicks the asses of his men and then him. They take control of the Kolossus, which they use to grab the Mega Shark in a Russian bear hug (ha! See what I did there?), just before they set it to self-destruct, destroying Kolossus and killing the Mega Shark. And just as the Cold War ended in stalemate, so does the battle between Mega Shark and Kolossus. Oh wait, that’s nothing like how the Cold War ended. Oh well, most people who watch this movie probably won’t know that.

But some other little gems in this movie:

* Kolossus reminds me of that huge, S&M humanoid made of Eastern European villagers from that wiggy Clive Barker short story.

* The idea of a towering humanoid robot-bomb is at once totally insane and completely plausible as a Soviet-era weapon. I mean, Stalin once seriously considered breeding an army of monkey-people. Tell me that’s more plausible than this.

* Poor Illeana Douglas. You’d be drunk throughout shooting this film too if you had to deliver dialogue like, “That man’s ignorance of sharks could mean the end of mankind!” Which, ironically, was written in my last work evaluation.

* So…prehistoric sharks were basically indestructible murderers. Holy shit! Megalodons were Terminators!

*No Deborah Gibson this time around. Oh well…you can’t have everything, I guess.

So, welcome back Mega Shark! We really missed you! I mean, seriously, this movie is genius. We’re talking Oscar.


From the mists of time: “Wolfen”

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1981 was a banner year for werewolf movies. I’m sure there’s a perfectly fascinating thesis to be written about why this was the case—maybe it was a reaction to beard-friendly ‘70s, maybe it had something to do with cocaine or Vietnam or Reagan or something—whatever the case, 1981 gave us The Howling and An American Werewolf in London released within a few weeks of each other. Both films cannily married cutting-edge special effects and social commentary, and reinvigorated the werewolf genre like nothing else since Lon Chaney Jr. donned the yak-hair 40 years earlier. Also released that summer was Wolfen. You can’t hear things on a blog, but let me assure you, crickets are chirping right now.

In fairness, Wolfen isn’t actually about werewolves per se, but when you make a horror movie and it’s called “Wolfen” it’s just natural people are going to associate it with werewolves. I mean, you don’t go into a movie called “Vampey” and expect it to be about about a killer giant squid, right? Maybe you do, I don’t know you. But most people don’t is my point. So we’re going to just lump this in with werewolf movies, even though the titular monsters are actually…um…ah…yeah, I’ve watched this movie a couple times and I’m still not 100% on that.

"Got an alibi for your whereabouts last night?"

“Got an alibi for your whereabouts last night?”

Wolfen begins with a fat-cat-type Manhattan real estate developer and his coke-head arm-candy being savagely attacked down in Battery Park. The audience follows the attacker as it stalks them, and then meticulously takes out their bodyguard (literally disarming him—cutting off his gun hand) before going after them.

Stuck investigating this crime is exiled NYPD detective Dewey Wilson (Albert Finney). Wilson’s suspension? retirement? Is never really made clear, but it’s suggested he’s good at weird cases, so he’s brought back in to investigate–he’s like Fox Mulder with a Welsch-fro. 

There's a lot of hair-related stuff going on there.

There’s a lot of hair-related stuff going on there.

Since the developer was a big-money guy naturally city hall is very interested in this case. Seems the murder victim was building on some Native American land and the various Native American advocacy groups have been targeting him pretty heavily. Also, his daughter had hooked up with a violent leftist extremist group. To this end, Rebecca Neff (Diane Venora), a police psychologist who specializes in radicals and terrorists is partnered up with him. For his part, Wilson doesn’t mind because, hey, 1981 Diane Venora. Could be worse.

Could be much worse.

Could be much worse.

The terrorist angle is more or less a dead-end, as the radicals are mostly just spouting stale rhetoric, and the real firebrands are retired or in jail. The only promising lead is Eddie Holt, a Native American activist who just got out of prison after doing a stint for killing an “apple” (kind of a Native American Oreo—red on the outside, white on the inside).

Wilson has a contentious confrontation with Eddie atop of the Brooklyn Bridge (in a truly great scene shot on location that makes Wilson’s vertigo palpable), where Eddie works as a steel worker, and while Eddie still despises the cops, he assures Wilson his murdering days are long past.

Wait, the city of New York just let them shoot up there?

Wait, the city of New York just let them shoot up there? The ’80s were a different time.

In the meantime, more people are savagely murdered in the same manner—the next few in a ruined section of the South Bronx, which in the tail end of New York’s long period of urban blight looks more like post-war Dresden than a major American city. in the 1980s. The coroner, Whittington, (Gregory Hines) discovers what appear to be animal hairs and claw patterns in the body and enlists the aid of a naturalist named Ferguson (Tom Noonan). Ferguson finds some hairs that appear to be lupine, but they don’t match any kind of wolf that has ever lived, and besides, wolves have been extinct in the New York area for a century.

"In 20 years this will all be Starbucks as far as the eye can see."

“In 20 years this will all be Starbucks as far as the eye can see.”

Wolfen does a laudable job of keeping the audience guessing as to the nature of the monsters right up to busy, confusing final act. It’s clear we’re not dealing with terrorists, bit it seems completely plausible that Eddie might be a skinwalker or something—until he demonstrates his “shapeshifting” to Wilson. Basically it’s just LARPing, involving a heavy mescaline trip, and a lot more nude Edward James Olmos than I wanted or needed (I would have been fine going to my grave without seeing Commander Adama’s ballsack).

The question of what the predators are seems to have stumped the filmmakers as well. When we get a handy info-dump from the Native Americans, it only partially clears things up, and Wilson’s final confrontation with the Wolfen confuses them all over again. Are they super-intelligent wolves? Possibly. Are they wolf-spirits? Well, one of them does vanish into thin air. All we know for certain is that they feed on the forgotten populations of cities—society’s dead tissue. And they’re really pissed off about gentrification, since it’s going to displace them and their food supply (plus then they have to deal with all those Trader Joe’s douchebags).

Whatever they are, one of them is in the car with you.

Whatever they are, one of them is in the car with you.

Still, Wolfen weaves a certain spell like a lot of those horror movies from the early ‘80s. The location shooting in New York gives it a tactile grittiness, especially when the action moves to the ruined Bronx. This has the effect of giving the movie a feel of seriousness and verisimilitude that you just don’t see anymore.

Likewise, Wolfen utilizes some great character actors. Aside from the perpetually-growly Finney, Noonan and Hines give their characters an authentically eccentric vibe. It gives Wolfen some genuine personality that goes a long way toward papering over the storytelling flaws.

Actually, one of Tom Noonan's less-creepy roles.

Actually, one of Tom Noonan’s less-creepy roles.

It’s easy to see why Wolfen was a commercial failure upon release. After The Howling and American Werewolf, I think audiences’ wolf-meter was pretty well pegged. Wolfen’s subsequent spotty releases on DVD and Blu-Ray (stripped of any extras) hasn’t done the movie’s legacy any favors, and that’s too bad. Wolfen isn’t a great movie, but it’s enjoyable and looks fantastic. It didn’t revolutionize horror cinema like its companions released that summer, but it’s a solid entry nonetheless.


Proof that in the ’90s anything could get green-lit: “Destiny Turns on the Radio”

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1995’s Destiny Turns on the Radio is one of those movies that, for a long time, I just assumed I’d imagined. After all, there couldn’t possibly be a movie in which Quentin Tarantino plays a supernatural agent of fate that comes out of a swimming pool, right? Hallucinogens weren’t all that popular in ‘90s, so why would anyone think that was a good idea? The movie’s near-total absence from the home video market seemed to support my theory that this was just a product of my fevered imagination, fueled by heroic amounts of Mountain Dew and endless rewatchings of Pulp Fiction.

Yeah, but nope, it’s real. And now it’s on iTunes. And holy god, it’s so bad.

I looked for this movie, because I had to be sure it existed and to see what, precisely it was. Seldom do movies make as little of an impact on the pop-culture landscape as this one. As a matter of fact, this movie is like pop-culture antimatter. As opposed to building hype, it seemed to actively invite people to forget they ever saw it, like the Predator monster or those things with the creepy mouths on Doctor Who that you forget about as soon as you turn away. I expect that happened to the 150 or 200 or so people that actually saw this movie. Or else, they wished that would happen.

Destiny Turns on the Radio (Jesus, just the title says “this is movie is an insufferable ball-gag of hipsterism”), actually has a pretty simple plot. Bank robber Julian Goddard (Dylan McDermott) breaks out of prison after three years and heads to Las Vegas to collect his share of the loot from his partner, Thoreau (James Le Gros), and reconnect with his old flame Lucille (Nancy Travis). Along the way, he’s given a ride by a mysterious hepcat named Johnny Destiny (Tarantino).

(sigh)

(sigh)

Unfortunately for Julian, Lucille is married to a local hood/casino owner named Tuerto (Jim Belushi—the last actor who should be playing someone named “Tuerto”). On top of that Thoreau lost the money to Johnny Destiny shortly after the robbery, when Destiny emerged from a motel swimming pool nude amid a blaze of lightning and bad SFX electricity. Getting the idea what kind of movie this is? Yeah, it’s all that and less.

So, Julian tries to win Lucille back, dodging Tuerto’s thugs and the local cops, while Thoreau prepares for a reunion with Destiny. This is then dragged out for 100 excruciating minutes. In fairness, the filmmakers pad out the runtime with subplots about Lucille’s pregnancy and big chance to impress a record producer. Still, the movie mostly features endless scenes of Le Gros dicking around at his ramshackle motel barfing pseudo-philosophical dialogue that sound smart of you’re a pretentious teenager.

There are a lot of questionable fashion choices in this movie.

There are a lot of questionable fashion choices in this movie.

DTotR (No, I’m not writing the whole title out because fuck you, movie) is really a collection of some of the worst tropes of ‘90s movies. Tarantino’s presence hangs heavily over this movie—and not just because of his role (which amounts to probably less than 10 minute of screen time). It’s pretty clear that screenwriters Robert Ramsey and Matthew Stone were heavily-influenced by Tarantino’s languid shooting style in which long scenes play out with characters mouthing quasi-deep, very affected dialogue. The difference being, Tarantino’s scenes have substance to them. These guys, in the first movie of a career that didn’t go very far, just write dialogue they think sounds cool, but that no human being has ever said, like: “You are seriously underestimating the power of the forces that were aligned against us” or “the Universe is expanding…it’s beyond one man’s ability to stem the tide of the chaos.”

Any movie that features a scene like this doesn't deserve to live.

Any movie that features a scene like this doesn’t deserve to live.

On top of that, we have some very ‘90s actors taking center stage here—McDermott, Travis, and Le Gros were all pretty much staples of the ‘90s before sinking into smaller, but still lucrative, TV careers. It’s hard to say that everyone in this movie is miscast—I can’t imagine anyone making these roles work—but these are still not the right actors for these parts. McDermott has never had much range beyond his blue-collar, East Coast guy persona, yet here he tries to affect a southwestern accent, and, wow…it’s just…I mean, when he actually remembers to use it it’s pretty fucking terrible. Travis, for her part, tries for some of the absurdist energy the movie seems to be aiming for, but she lacks the sex-appeal to be a torchy nightclub singer.

Dylan McDermott--making douchiness look effortless since 1993.

Dylan McDermott–making douchey look effortless since 1993.

No one involved in this movie seems to know what they’re supposed to be doing there. McDermott and Travis play their roles on the verge of exaggerated caricature—which might be the way to go. But then you have Belushi who’s putting in an actual, honest-to-God performance, and Le Gros who may as well be in his own movie.

Finally, you have Tarantino, who just shrugs through his role with an aloofness that might be cool, if the movie wasn’t so terrible that he’s guilty by association for just being in it. Granted, he signed to do this movie a few days before Pulp Fiction opened at Cannes and began its runaway success, but, Jesus, he still had Reservoir Dogs under his belt.

And any movie that features a nude QT, showing off his dad-bod, while inviting you to “come with me” into a pool, was pretty much wrong-headed from jump.

So, what’s the final ‘90s count here?

* Arch, Tarantinoid dialogue

* Southwestern setting (why was this a thing in the ‘90s?)

* Dylan McDermott, Nancy Travis, and James Le Gros are in a movie.

* Pants with pleats big enough to serve as a mainsail on an America’s Cup winner.

* Quentin Tarantino in a speaking role

* Vague, new agey mumbo jumbo

So, that’s Destiny Turns on the Radio. I still have no idea what the title means.


Because we haven’t suffered enough: “Hitman: Agent 47”

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So, this is really happening, huh? We actually have a remake/reboot/further installment of the Hitman, uh, franchise (please God tell me we don’t have to call it a franchise). This despite the fact that the first Hitman movie was a critical and financial flop that no one really wanted in the first place. But, Hollywood being Hollywood, a couple of railed-to-the-gills-on-coke movie execs decided, what the hell. I mean, just because the movie failed once maybe it’ll fail less badly this time. And that’s how we got Hitman: Agent 47. At least I assume that’s what happened. It really doesn’t matter. Like chlamydia or a tornado it’s here and we have to deal with it.

Hitman: Agent 47 begins with an epic info dump that assumes we care much more about the minutiae of this story than any sensible human being (or not-so-sensible human being, or brain-dead cat for that matter) does. The gist is this: the US government getically-engineered some super assassins they call Agents, but then they got cold feet and nixed the project. The main scientist went on the run, and here we are. Wow. I did that in, like, 700 fewer words than the movie did.

Okay, just stop it! Stop being so stupid!

The movie opens with the titular Agent 47 (Rupert Friend) slaughtering a bunch of assassins working for an eeeevil organization called Syndicate International (I guess Villainy Inc. was copyrighted or something). Seems Syndicate wants to find Litvenko (Ciaran Hinds), the doctor who created the Agents, so they can restart the program. Now, in a normal film, the plot would build to this revelation, but Hitman: Agent 47 isn’t so much interested in telling a  coherent story as it is giving its characters (or, rather, their CGI avatars) a reason to fight.

This is, like, 70% of the movie right here.

This is, like, 70% of the movie right here.

Then the movies follows a mysterious young woman named Katia (Hannah Ware) who is compelled by reasons she doesn’t understand to find Litvenko. Because he’s her father. Oh, um, Spoiler (not really a spoiler). I mean, why else would she be obsessively searching for him? But this never occurs to Katia, despite the fact she has no memories of her parents, so duh.

Yeah, no one is what you’d describe as smart in this movie.

Anyway, Katia links up with a supposedly nice guy who calls himself John Smith (Zachary Quinto, who presumably lost a bet or has an agent that really hates him), who tells her that Agent 47 is after her, but he can protect her. Alas, hey, got any iodea where your dad might be? Any at all? yeah, that’s not suspicious. Anyway, he does kind of a shitty job at protecting her, because Agent 47 promptly finds them, shoots Smith and abducts Katia.

Really, Zach? This seemed like a good idea to you?

Really, Zach? This seemed like a good idea to you?

Agent 47 wants to convince Katia that she’s also an Agent, and he eventually does so by laying out the evidence in clear compelling manner. Ha! No, he actually takes her to a jet-propulsion lab and ties her to a stationary jet-engine and turns it on, trusting that her enhanced instincts will help her escape from being cuisinarted.

Agent 47 is kind of a dick.

But then they’re ambushed by the evil John Smith—who didn’t die because he’s like Wolverine—and some henchmen. And, thus, with all the surprises (I’m using that word awfully loosely) pretty much spent, the rest of the movie is a chase from Smith and his endless supply of faceless henchmen, while Agent 47 and Katia attempt to, well, kill everyone in the movie with a speaking role. Yeah, Ronin this is not.

Hitman Agent 47 TRAILER

Jesus, will you give it a rest with this pose?

Holy crap, I didn’t actually believe they could make a follow-up that was worse than the first Hitman movie, but, hey, we put a man on the moon, split the atom, mapped the human genome…I guess no feat is truly beyond human endeavor.

This movie was written by Skip Woods, whose resume reads like a list of movies to watch if you want to lose faith in film as an art form (X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Swordfish, A Good Day to Die Hard, The A-Team). How it is this guy hasn’t been dragged before the Hague to answer for his crimes, I’ll never know.

Look at his face....he looks like a douchey preying mantis...

Look at his face….he looks like a douchey preying mantis…

But aside from the lateral move in the script department, they’ve traded down in terms of actors. Timothy Olyphant’s turn as Agent 47 wasn’t exactly a master class in acting, but his perpetual on-the-verge-of-homicidal-violence manner better fit the character than Friend’s squinchy face and smug smile. Ware is mostly a non-entity compared to Olga Kurylenko’s soulful pouting and palpable sexuality (even playing against a largely sexless foil, she practically set the screen on fire). 

Your hitman power is being able to run behind me.

Your hitman power is being able to run behind me.

The action is all choppy CG-rendered BS that doesn’t even try to be clever, let alone obey the laws of physics. After the first couple times Agent 47 makes an impossible pistol shot or does something patently unbelievable, all the suspense pretty much evaporates and it’s all just visual noise.

On top of that we have…

* John Smith is indestructable because he has “subdermal titanium armor.” Hahahahaha! Holy shit, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard! They actually paid someone to crap out stuff like that? I’m pretty sure any random 13 year-old would have done it for a bottle of Mountain Dew.

Guess what's not in this movie? A gunship.

Guess what’s not in this movie? A gunship.

* Agent 47 gets out of an interrogation room by bumping the table, where his loaded sniper rifle was helpfully placed. This causes it to fire and shoot off his handcuffs. Hahahahahahahahaha! Stop it, movie! You’re killing me!

* Agent 47 just travels from place to place on airplanes while carrying his bag full of guns. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Seriously, movie, I’m gonna pass out here!

* The last third of the film takes place in Singapore, and director Aleksander Bach films things mostly indoors or in close-up shots. Because why would you want to show off one of the most visually-interesting cities in the world?

Gross. We need more shots inside white offices.

Gross. We need more shots inside white offices.

* Chinese superstar Angelababy appears as Agent 47’s handler. She literally phones in her role, never appearing with anyone else, and looks to have to have shot most of her scenes at her apartment and maybe while she was shopping. And that’s why the Chinese will rule the world someday.

Welp, that’s Hitman: Agent 47. Jesus, I know it’s August, but we deserve better than this.



From the Mists of Time: “Fire Birds”

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Believe it or not, there was a time when we, the movie going public, did not yet realize that Nicolas Cage was nuts. Nope, it’s true. Hindsight being 20/20, the signs were there—I give you Zandalee—but 25 years ago, most of us were perfectly willing to accept Nic Cage as a hotshot gunship pilot. Well, movie studios were willing to believe that we were willing to accept Nicolas Cage as a hotshot gunship pilot. Look, it was a different time. The Internet hadn’t been invented yet–we had to take our entertainment where it came. 

Fire Birds takes us back to the heady days of 1990, the period after the Cold War when the United States military turned its attention to the South American drug cartels. As you can see from movies like Clear and Present Danger or License to Kill or the invasion of Panama, we were genuinely worried that drug cartels were going to invade the US and force us all to do blow (thankfully, we got over that…oh, wait…)

In the '90s the cartels would just launch the cocaine into your system.

In the ’90s the cartels would just launch the cocaine into your system.

1990 was also a solid four years after Top Gun, which is apparently the amount of time it took some brilliant movie exec to decide “Hey, we can rip that off…we’ll just use helicopters so we won’t get sued.” And then he did however much coke it takes to convince yourself that Nicolas Cage is as much of a sex symbol as Tom Cruise (approximately enough to kill a sperm whale). And that’s how we got Fire Birds.

So, yeah, easiest movie synopsis ever: Fire Birds=Top Gun, Nicolas Cage=Tom Cruise, Sean Young=Kelly McGillis, Tommy Lee Jones=Tom Skerritt, and AH-64 Apache Helicopters=F-14A Fighter Jets. Yep, that’s basically it. Just like Top Gun, Cage plays a hotshot helicopter pilot who undergoes specialized training to be even better (might one say the best of the best?). In the case of Fire Birds it’s to fly the Apache gunship against the Latin American drug cartels (because when we go too long between invasions, the US military gets weird ideas).

Top Gun never had a scene like this, either.

Top Gun never had a scene like this, either.

Mentoring Cage’s Jake Preston is Tommy Lee Jones’s weathered veteran Brad Little. Jones really makes the most of his role, playing up the ornery decency that helped him break out in The Fugitive a few years later, and he makes the movie go down easier.

Preston’s love interest is fellow pilot Billie Lee Guthrie (Sean Young), and their scenes together grind the film to a halt. Actually they’re much, much worse than that. If in 1990 we didn’t yet know Cage was nuts, we were starting to get an inkling that Sean Young was. Most of her dialogue seems to have been ADRed between spa visits for all the energy she puts into her line readings. Putting two complete lunatics like Cage (who bought not one, but two castles) and Young (who allegedly superglued James Woods penis to his leg) together should result in some kind of sparks onscreen, but alas, their scenes make the love scenes in the Star Wars prequels look like 9 1/2 Weeks.

The sheer amount of combined craziness here could change the rotation of the Earth

The sheer amount of combined craziness here could change the rotation of the Earth

It doesn’t help matters that the screenwriters’ idea of sexy banter is to have Billie give pounds of techno-exposition during a mission while Preston makes sleazy double entendres, and sometimes single-entendres. For example:

“Okay, Preston, just stay on my tail.”

“You know I could watch your tail all day.”

“Very funny. When we hit the ridge take an overwatch position while I move into the canyon.”

“You always did like me on top.”

“Ha ha. But look, I’ll be feeding images directly into your targeting computer.”

“I wanna butt-fuck you.”

And it goes on like that.    

Which leaves us with the helicopters, and, uh, here’s the thing: helicopters are just not as shit-hot sexy as fighter jets. I don’t care how many magic-hour shots you have of Apaches flying out of the sunset, they’re still squat and lumbering. If fighter jets are like super-charged birds, soaring into endless blue atmosphere, military helicopters are like cave trolls. Like, if they were people they’d chew a lot of tobacco and watch Fox News.

“I wanna see the real birth certificate!”

It doesn’t help that the flight scenes are put together really poorly and look as if they’re just random footage of Apaches in flight spliced together with no sense of continuity or spatial understanding. Trying to figure out what’s going on during any given aerial sequence is pretty much impossible. Lord knows the director seems to have given up trying, as evidenced by the scene in which a pilot’s exclamation “That was an amazing move!” is inserted over a shot where an Apache just hovers and tilts its nose.

What the aerial sequences accomplish, however, is telling you more about the AH-64 Apache gunship than you ever wanted to know. As a matter of fact, by the second info dump about the Apache’s combat capabilities, I was pretty sure that this whole movie was the most expensive promotional video ever for Boeing Aircraft (Exhibit A: the film’s alternate title is Wings of the Apache). Like, once footage of the Berlin Wall going down hit the airwaves, someone at Boeing thought Oh shit, how are we going to convince the Army to buy more of our overpriced, overbuilt moneysponges? I got two kids to put through college. Fucking Gorbechev…

“Do not hurt the helicopters! That’s my summer home in the Poconos bonus right there!”

And to that end, the filmmakers tried to make drug cartels as threatening as the Soviet war machine. It’s an uphill fight, but in this movie they not only have a couple of Saab Draken fighter jets (because that’s the most helpful thing to have if you’re a drug trafficker), they’ve also employed an Eastern European mercenary whose weapon of choice happens to be an attack helicopter because Nicolas Cage has to shoot down something at the climax. In that, Fire Birds exists in the same universe as Airwolf, where the bad guys always have at least one missile-equipped helicopter on the payroll. Whether they’re terrorists, drug dealers, counterfeiters or card sharks, they’ve always got air support.

Why is the Hughes 500 always the go-to air superiority fighter in these movies?

Why is the Hughes 500 always the go-to air superiority fighter in these movies?

So, it all comes down to an almost-perfunctory dogfight with the cartel, and—give the movie this—it’s a good sequence. The editing is quick and intense, and they give you enough of a sense of where the helicopters are in relation to one another that the climax actually works. But, Jesus fuck, it is a long wait before you get there.

Thankfully, we have Cage being crazy all over the place to keep us interested. Cage shouldn’t be anyone’s first choice as a hotshot Army pilot, and the sight of him in uniform (and sporting an impressive, blow-dried plate of hair) never ceases to be jarring. It’s like seeing a narwhal in a dinner jacket—there’s no real reason why it shouldn’t be, but goddamn it looks strange.

You have no idea what you're unleashing.

You have no idea what you’re unleashing.

Cage, for his part, seems to have lost interest in the project about five pages into the screenplay and just cut loose with his natural craziness. Whether he’s driving around in a jeep with panties wrapped around his head or breaking into an impromptu Mohammad Ali impression (“I am the greatest!”), he seems dedicated to not playing this shit straight. Fortunately, the abundance of cockpit shots means he played many of his scenes alone on a sound stage, which gave him free reign to let his basic lunacy frolic like a greyhound on PCP.

In the end, though, Fire Birds is a deeply sad movie. It all but breaks into a flop sweat trying to convince us that Army helicopters are as sexy as fighter jets and that drug cartels are next great enemy of democracy, and that Apaches are the greatest weapon in the US military’s vast arsenal. It hopes that if it chants “USA! USA!” enough we won’t notice that this movie is just a wan, low-budget rip off of a better, more classic film with a patently ludicrous plot and two insane people as the romantic leads.

Fire Birds just goes to show that even mindless jingoism has its limits. And its limits are Nicolas Cage. Really, I could have told them that.


Repost: “Poltergeist”

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Of all the mysteries that surround Poltergeist—the identity of the actual director, the rash of deaths that’s followed the film series—the most confounding may be how dramatically it fell off the cultural radar. Consider the other movies from that summer alone: Conan, and The Thing got remakes, Escape from New York and Rocky III got sequels, Star Trek II got both sequels and a remake, and E.T. is still considered a landmark in summer films. These are signs of the profound effect they had on the cultural landscape. Yet despite Poltergeist’s massive popularity it never went much farther than a couple of lousy, little-known sequels. And yet, the film was a massive hit that had everyone squeaking “They’re here…” for years afterward. So what happened?

Well, I think a big chunk of the explanation lies in what a truly strange breed of film it is. It’s a PG-rated horror film. How many of those are there? I dunno, but I can’t think of many. Even in 1982, horror tended to dwell in the safe, no-holds-barred sactum of the R-rating, where we could show Ed Begley Jr’s arm being ripped off and Nastassja Kinski walking around nude. Even the recent trend of PG-13 horror flicks like the Prom Night remake was motivated by building a larger audience rather than actually making them family-friendly. With Poltergeist, Steven Spielberg wrote (and possibly directed—more later) a horror flick the whole family could enjoy. And make no mistake: this is a movie about family.

Yeah, we know the story: family moves into a new tract-housing project, and loses their youngest daughter in the TV set. What is striking about this film is how solidly this movie centers itself around the family unit. This is a pretty novel concept when you think about it. Typically, horror films operate on the trope of a protagonist being stripped of his/her support systems until they must confront the terror alone.

Yet in Poltergeist the parents immediately recognize the supernatural nature of the threat and do everything possible to recover their missing clan member. It creates a palpable momentum as we wait for the parents to call the police or doubt the parapsychologists who arrive to help them, but the movie never pauses to run in those circles and just keeps hurtling us headlong into the horror. Sure, Craig T. Nelson has a couple of moments of doubt for Zelda Rubinstein’s pint-sized medium Tangina, but she puts him in his place and the movie continues to move.

Poltergeist also never lets either of the parents harbor a doubt about getting the hell out of the haunted house. They’re stuck there until they can recover their daughter, but once that’s done they’re all about getting the hell out of Dodge—the house, and the money they sunk into it, be damned.

This family-centric viewpoint clearly comes directly from Spielberg’s own personal growth. Consider that in 1977 he made Close Encounters, in which Richard Dreyfuss barely provided any support to his own amok family, drives them away with his mental breakdown, then casually leaves them behind to take a ride on a spaceship. With Poltergeist and E.T., Spielberg would engage with the bonds of the family unit.

Of course, the film is also a first-rate production. Yes, Tobe Hooper ostensibly directed, but Spielberg wrote the screenplay, produced, and by his own admission, took the initiative in, um, directing Hooper’s directing. It’s pretty easy to pick out a Spielberg’s movies—he has a singular directorial style.  Hooper, by contrast, has no style that I’ve ever been able to detect. It’s telling that this movie has never been regarded as a Tobe Hooper film, and his subsequent films have all been varying degrees of failures. Bottom line: Spielberg steered this train, and he doesn’t make junk.

He’s got an able assist with a first rate cast. Nelson does fine work here, as a credible father figure, and he plays well off of JoBeth Williams as his wife. Even the kids—the late Dominique Dunne as eldest daughter Dana, the late Heather O’Rourke as lost-child Carol Anne, and Oliver Robins (still alive, as near as I can tell) as son Robbie are all pretty good actors and never become shrill or overly cute.

Spielberg also builds in a critique of the atavistic endgame of three decades of white-flight. The housing tract (none-too-subtly named “Cuesta Verde”) is a series of identical tickey-tack boxes, which devour all the land in their path. Nelson’s sleazy boss, heading up this project, casually brushes off Nelson’s concerns about the sprawl ruining the natural view of the hills, and, most-critically, the fact they’re building atop of cemeteries (yeah, that’s gonna come back to bite them all in the ass). He even throws in a nice bit of foreshadowing as the bulldozers tearing up the earth for the family pool inadvertently excavate the cigar box coffin containing Carol Anne’s dead parakeet.

You’d think these would be fairly easy ingredients to replicate, but future filmmakers never did. Not while there were Jasons and Freddies to spin off into sequel oblivion. It’s not that it couldn’t be done, but, hey, why bother? Spielberg—particularly in those years—had a special touch for knowing how to make films fun—whether they were swashbuckling adventures or haunted house spook-stories. It’s a rare talent, and the fact that no one’s yet figured out to recreate that magic at least ensures that this movie will be left well enough alone.

Plus, how creepy was that clown doll? Man, when Robbie finally tears the thing apart, all I could think was, “Dude, you should have done that when you first got the thing.”


They’re here…again: “Poltergeist (2015)”

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Back in my 2012 review of the original Poltergeist, I noted that that it was somewhat strange that a movie as popular as that one hadn’t yet been remade, repurposed, or otherwise strip-mined. And then I spun a whole bunch of theories why that’s the case that I mostly pulled out of my butt after a couple of Blue Moons. Well…um…(cough)…yeah, I was wrong about that—as you may have surmised from my use of the modifier “original” in the first sentence. Indeed, Poltergeist is the latest attempt by Hollywood to never create anything original ever again.

So, the new Poltergeist hews pretty close to the original in terms of plot, and why not? Poltergeist’s plot is pretty much idiot-proof: the Bowen family moves into haunted house; wackiness ensues. And by wackiness, I mean that the daughter is kidnapped by ghosts and held prisoner in the TV, while scary crap goes down inside the house, which the family can’t leave because they’re really attached to that daughter.

This time around, the parents are played by Sam Rockwell and Rosemary DeWitt—and that’s one of many canny moves director Gil Kenan (Monster House, City of Embers) makes. Rockwell and DeWitt are simply excellent in their roles, imbuing their fairly-straightforward characters with more nuance and complexity than they really need. The rest of the kids are okay, too, though Kennedi Clemons (holy shit, really? “Kennedi?”) lacks Heather O’Rourke’s nascent screen presence and acting chops. Still, as of the time of this writing all of the actors playing the Bowens are still alive, so they’re already in better shape than their 1982 counterparts.

"Oh shit...I just realized that Dad is Sam Rockwell."

“Oh shit…I just realized that Dad is Sam Rockwell.”

Kenan and screenwriter David Lindsay-Abaire mostly hit the same story beats as the original, while making only superficial changes for this version. Yes, there’s a freaking scary clown, because why would you get rid of that? Clowns are fucking horrifying. There’s another malevolent tree, because it makes for a great visual when it reaches in to grab the son, Griffin (Kyle Catlett). Also, huge weeping willow trees are terrifying too (seriously, look at them—what’s their deal, anyway?)

Fucking clowns...

Fucking clowns…

There’s also a team of intrepid ghost-hunters who serve as walking exposition machines as well as invaluable allies to the Bowen family in their attempts to get Madison back. Of course, taking place in 2015 it’s inevitable that these ghost-hunters would be reality-TV figures (thanks for that Syfy). The bad news is that the filmmakers couldn’t possibly find a figure as delightfully bizarre as Zelda Rubinstein’s pint-sized exorcist. The good news is they cast Jared Harris and Jane Adams—two actors who, like A1 sauce, make everything better—as a team of ex-spouses.

Is this your daughter? Eh, close enough.

Is this your daughter? Eh, close enough.

Kenan updates the technology without making too big deal of it (aside from the use of an RC drone), and even maintains the original’s analog snowstorm static. Where he deviates most from the original—and this is a misstep—is by putting the Bowens on the opposite end of the mobility spectrum as the original’s Freelings. Where that family was moving into a newly-built subdivision (“Cuesta Verde,” either a subtle joke or an on-the-nose one, depending upon your understanding of Spanish), the Bowens have downgraded to a foreclosed family home in a wage-stagnation-created pseudo-ghost town. As the film begins, father Eric has lost his job with John Deere, and the family’s finances are just beginning to feel the strain.

Well, every new house is going to have a few issues.

Well, every new house is going to have a few issues.

It’s a nice stab at prescience, but it also robs the story of some of its potency. In the original, the Freelings were in a small way complicit in what befalls their family. The father worked for the company throwing up those subdivisions, and as we learn later, his company’s haste in developing the land led them to clear out a graveyard’s stones without disinterring the occupants. By making the Bowen’s economic refugees, they’re just some real damn unlucky people, who had the additional bad fortune to move into a haunted house.

That change doesn’t sink the movie (though it does make it less interesting). What sinks this otherwise perfectly-serviceable horror film is the fact that it brings little new to the table. There are updated special effects, sure, but the original’s haven’t aged too badly (aside from some dodgy rotoscoping). So what, really, is the point?

I just assumed this happens anytime you buy a package from Comcast.

I just assumed this happens anytime you buy a package from Comcast.

The Poltergeist remake isn’t a bad movie—just an unnecessary one. It finds itself in the same lose/lose position as any remake of a successful film: ignore what made the original so effective and you run the risk of total failure (unless you bring something equally or more effective to it), acknowledge it and you remind of the audience of your film’s pointlessness. The new Poltergeist has some spooky scenes, but ultimately we’ve seen this movie before in 1982, back when it had the advantage of being fresh and new.


Maybe he should have ridden into that sunset a little earlier: “McQ”

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So, here’s an obscure little artifact: a gritty ‘70s urban thriller called McQ starring John Wayne. Never heard of it? Well, don’t fret. You don’t exactly having a gaping chasm in your cinematic knowledge base. I mean, there’s a reason why when you think of John Wayne’s iconic roles, the irascible Seattle PD Lieutenant Lon McQ doesn’t exactly leap to mind. A big part of that is because this movie sunk without a trace from the cultural landscape. And a big part of that is because when I say “irascible” what I mean is “seemingly irritated to be there.”

So, yeah, McQ. Basically, Lieutenant Lon McQ is a hard-bitten cop on the means streets of Seattle, which is…well, it’s kinda weird. I mean, logically I know that Seattle existed as a city before the 1990s, it’s just hard to imagine it. I guess I just figured that grunge happened and then Seattle appeared from the Pacific Northwest fog like Brigadoon with an airline industry.

Yep, there it s.

Yep, there it is.

McQ opens with a dude blowing away cops. Oh no! Do we have a radical like the ones in Magnum Force? Or a lone-wolf assassin like the Scorpio killer in Dirty Harry? Aha! No, we see that the killer has a badge on his belt. He’s then executed by another dude with a shotgun. Tough break, I guess.

Enter McQ. We can tell he’s our ‘70s cop hero, because he lives on a houseboat and groggily answers the phone. Cops in the ‘70s never had proper houses or normal home lives. They all lived on boats or in motorhomes or kept exotic pets. I guess it made them more relatable to a general public that, if pop culture is at all accurate, was having coke-fueled orgies in waterbeds when they weren’t pampering their pet rocks watching the news cover Watergate.

Picture 2

…and wearing whatever-the-hell kind of shirt that is.

Well, it turns our dead assassin was McQ’s old partner on the force, and damn it, he’s not going to let anything stand in the path of justice for his bud. You know, the cop-killer. See, here we have the first problem in the movie: we know McQ is being duped, and we’re forced to follow the dupe for the better part of two hours.

When McQ runs afoul of his superiors by beating the hell out of a local drug kingpin he (wrongly) suspects is behind his friend (the cop-killer)’s murder, he quits the force rather than take a humiliating desk job (despite the fact that, you know, cops do work at desks sometimes). This frees him up to get justice done his way (for his friend the cop-killer).

When Dr. Pulaski is your femme fatale, your movie has a problem.

When Dr. Pulaski is your femme fatale, your movie has a problem.

And his way is, well, pretty inefficient. First off, he dips into his pension to pay a snitch a cool 10k for info that doesn’t really lead him anywhere. That seems like a lot for a snitch. And that’s 1974 dollars. We were in a recession. That could buy you, like, all the gas in the country at that point.

Two things that should not be in the same shot in any reality.

Two things that should not be in the same shot in any reality.

But McQ also works a cocktail waitress named Myra (played by Colleen Dewhurst), and, ah, this is where the movie gets disturbing. McQ and Vera share a tender and –oh Christ—seductive scene together, wherein Myra basically comes on to McQ, and McQ says, “You look real good.” And then they have sex. Look, I don’t want to be ageist here, but watching the 50-something Dewhurst clad in her housecoat deploying her feminine wiles on a pushing-70 John Wayne is one of those things you can’t unsee. It takes up residence in the dark reaches of your soul where only hate and madness reside. You can forget about it for a while, but it will always be there, waiting, until it reaches out and you remember it and suddenly your horking up your lunch, and your fiancé is wondering why you’ve suddenly curled in a fetal position and begun weeping.

Put another way: imagine your grandparents getting ready for sexy time. Yep, that’s what this scene is.

AAAAAAAAAHHHGGGGG!!!!

And then they bone.

Eventually (a long eventually) McQ figures out that the whole scheme is about cops stealing drugs from the state’s evidence destruction facility, and his buddy was in on it. So, yeah, he figures out what we’ve known since scene one of this movie. This leads to a chase and shootout with the corrupt cop at the center of things (played by perennial ‘70s guest star Clu Gulager) and the aforementioned drug kingpin who wants his cut of this action.

"Hi. I was in The Virginian."

“Hi. I was in The Virginian.”

If the Internet is to be believed, Wayne made McQ after passing on the role of Dirty Harry, and seeing that movie tap into an unexpected vein of support for kick-ass, take-no-shit authority figures. And McQ is loosely fashioned to be that kind of cop. He sucker-punches an attitude-spouting punk early in the film. Later, the movie one-ups Harry Callahan’s .44 revolver by arming McQ with a then-new Ingram MAC-10 submachine gun (the movie really loves this gun, but not enough to get the caliber right).

He even looks grumpy while shooting a machine gun.

He even looks grumpy while shooting a machine gun.

The problem here is that the initial idea to approach Wayne for the role of Harry Callahan was a pretty bad one. What made Dirty Harry so energizing a figure was that he was a youngish cop. Only a little older than the punks and the hippies and the progressives that (in the movie’s worldview) wanted to defang the police and cede more of society to the criminal element, he was still young enough to be part of the new generation, but he had rejected it.

Wayne, on the other hand, is part of the old generation, synonymous with World War Two and Western movies and a bygone era. Wayne’s Dirty Harry wouldn’t have been the lone practical man in a world gone soft and foolish, but a grumpy holdout from an earlier time. It would have totally changed the dynamics of the movie. Harry Callahan would have been less an update on the hardboiled detective and basically what happens when you give your angry racist grandfather a .44 Magnum.

Somehow the image of John Wayne wearing a bracelet is inordinately disturbing.

Somehow John Wayne wearing a bracelet is inordinately disturbing.

Also, there is the purely practical: Wayne was old. Looking every minute of his 67 years, a solid decade past having a lung removed due to cancer, and too alcoholic to work reliably, Wayne simply wasn’t a man of action any longer. He could barely run, let alone throw a credible punch. When he fired his gun, he did the old Western-movie thing of twitching the gun as if he was shaking the bullets loose.

"I'll just stand here and wait for the punch...take your time."

“I’ll just stand here and wait for the punch…take your time.”

In this McQ is a deeply sad movie, a movie icon’s last, desperate grasp at relevance. Doubtless, Wayne wanted to show himself as still bankable while starring in a vehicle for his Republican beliefs, but even here, McQ barely takes any stance on anything other than the fact that corrupt drug-dealing cops are bad. Not a hugely divisive issue, that.

So, that’s McQ. Probably it’s better off forgotten.


Arliss Howard also pwns! “Plain Clothes”

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Plain_Clothes_FilmPoster

This is the latest in my “pwns!” series in which I extol the virtues of under-recognized or under-appreciated actors. Previous installments covered Stephen McHattie and Bob Hoskins.

And now for a different Seattle cop story…

I suppose I’ve been seeing Arliss Howard in stuff for decades, but I never really noticed him until his amazing turn as the ice-blooded former spook Kale Ingram in the late, lamented Rubicon. With his laid-back style and flatter-than-the-topography-of-Illinois Midwestern accent, Howard manages to simultaneously anchor and enliven any scene he’s in. So when I discovered he starred in a little-seen 1987 comedy about a detective that goes undercover in a suburban high school, well, I don’t know what deity I need to make a pagan offering to, but this goat’s sure not gonna sacrifice itself.

Plain Clothes begins at a suburban Seattle high school when a teacher stumbles into his classroom with a knife embedded in his back. The knife belonged to one of his students, so the cops like him for the murderer. The kid’s brother, Nick Dunbar, just so happens to be an undercover cop (currently languishing on ice cream truck robbery detail), unable to get a decent assignment due to his relative youth-–24—and baby face. When Nick decks the detective who arrested his brother, he winds up on suspension. With plenty of time on his hands, and his brother facing 25 to life, Nick decides to go undercover at the high school to flush out the real killer.

The major flaw in his plan is that Nick has no clue how to act like a high schooler (“Your problem is you’ve always been more like an adult than a kid,” his brother tells him), so he ends up enrolling under the name Nick Springsteen and showing up for his first day of classes clad in a leather jacket, dog collar and bandanna (Nick apparently confused “high school” with “the S&M gay clubs in Cruising”).

From one who was there, this is how every high school looked in 1987.

From one who was there, this is how every high school looked in 1987.

Well, this problem is cleared up when Nick comes to view the case as an opportunity to be the campus cool guy he never was. He dons Hawaiian shirts and a straw boater and rocks a pair of horn-rimmed Ray Bans like a boss (look, it was the ‘80s. Things were different. We were on the verge of nuclear war. Stop being judgey).

Threat of nuclear annihilation makes for interesting sartorial decisions.

Threat of nuclear annihilation makes for interesting sartorial decisions.

But Nick has other problems to contend with. The school hall monitors are a group of pompadoured fascists called The Wardens, and Kyle, the leader, wants to beat the hell out of Nick because…I dunno, I guess because Nick doesn’t rock a pompadour. On top of that the school’s blonde hottie goddess may hold a piece of the puzzle, and she’s waaay into Nick—prompting his partner to mention that “a number of state laws come to mind”—oh, and she’s Kyle’s ex.

“Sorry, I was just thinking of the age of consent laws  in Washington State.”

On top of that, Nick has the hots for his foxy, young English teacher Ms. Torrence (Suzy Amis), which makes them both very confused. Admittedly, Nick doesn’t exactly ameliorate the situation when for his class assignment he reads aloud an erotic e.e. cummings poem about banging a virgin.

The biggest problem, though, is the fact that Nick apparently enrolled in Raymond Chandler High School, as the school is a mass of secrets, intrigue and lies. What initially seemed like a simple murder soon involves illicit relationships between students and teachers, misuse of the teacher’s pension fund, blackmail, and stalking.

That dude's hair is responsible for, like, half the hole in the ozone layer.

That dude’s hair is responsible for, like, half the hole in the ozone layer.

All of this is overplayed and overheated (much as the dilapidated school is overheated, causing everyone to wear a perpetual sheen of perspiration) to absurd levels. What Plain Clothes seems to understand that most high school movies don’t is that the whole concept of high school is patently ludicrous. John Hughes may have seen high school as a complex ecosystem of sensitive young people finding their way in the world, but let’s be realistic here—high school takes hormonally-crazed teenagers, locks them in close confines with members of the opposite sex, and then charges underpaid, socially-vilified adults with teaching them complex concepts. Holy shit, it’s laughable. You’d have better luck trying to teach over-caffeinated spider monkeys than your average teenager.

Though having teachers that look like this helps a lot.

Though having teachers that look like this helps a lot.

Employing the same detached introversion that made him so unsettling in Rubicon, Howard—a consummate under-actor—makes the ideal straight man against this lunacy. Howard can land a joke with just a withering stare or a perfectly-timed eye roll. He never mugs or plays to camera, choosing instead to be droll and ironic. When he tells his over-enthusiastic math tutor, “Geometry isn’t going to play the key role in our lives you think it is,” I wanted to shout, “testify, brother!”

Howard is given a big assist by an immensely-talented supporting cast. George Wendt is the shop teacher, convinced of the life-transforming powers of woodworking. Robert Stack is the half-checked-out principal who rambles grouchily into the open PA mic. Diane Ladd is an office secretary with a dark secret, and Seymour Cassel is Nick’s veteran partner who thinks this whole endeavor is nuts but goes along anyway just to see what happens. Hell, even an impossibly young Max Perlich shows up sporting a truly heroic flattop.

“The band saw is your lord and savior.”

According to IMDB, Plain Clothes, netted just under $250,000 in the box office, which…well, ouch. And that’s too bad, since it’s a fuck ton better than pretty much any of the other teen-oriented comedies that came out that year. Finally, it’s available on streaming and Blu-Ray, which is a minor vindication.

And, hey, Arliss Howard is still working steadily. Plus, he married Debra Winger, so everybody wins.


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